S1E12 Self Care

Yikes! Learn why when we ignore self care we do so at our own peril. Take our self care challenge at the end of this episode.

Transcript

Sandi: 0:57

Well, hello, hello. And welcome to episode 12 of the cloaked tatters season one. I am Sandy.

Candy: 1:04

And this is Candy. And today on episode 12, we're going to be talking about self care and we're going to talk about what self care is, why it is so important and what does that look like for Sandy and I, as well as what it can look like for other people. And you had a good definition of what self care was.

Sandi: 1:29

So when we think about self care, I think a really good way to think about it is how do you prioritize the things that you do in life that take care of your physical and mental health? So the whole body is a system. So it's not so much the things that we're doing, it's the process of The prioritization of putting those things first. I kind of always go back to like the airplane episode, you know, you get on the airplane and their person is doing their little thingy and they're showing you what to do and they're saying if the person next to you is elderly or infirmed in any way or a child, put your mask on first and they tell you to do that because why

Candy: 2:14

Because we need to be able to breathe in order to help other people. And that's exactly what self care is. We need to be able to function at our best before we can do things for others.

Sandi: 2:26

and a lot of times um, I see people getting shamed for taking care of themselves or putting themselves first and I'm not trying to pick on a certain generation. But older generations sometimes really struggle with putting the needs of self care first over things like work and work.

Candy: 2:54

Yep.

Sandi: 2:55

I've seen a lot of that. Um, some of the messages that we intuit, um, and not just from older generations, but people who are very, maybe work motivated or quite possibly addicted to work, overworking is that they really only know how to get their bucket filled by one activity and one sphere of life. Well, welcome to life having multiple spheres and multiple needs. And I think in modernity, which you'll hear me use that term a lot because I feel like I'm an old soul, always have been an often these terms of like, Old school, just, I was not meant for the modern world, a modern world. I wasn't meant for all of the bings and the boops and the things and the email. Like I fucking hate it to a degree I just fucking hate it. I'll be honest. And I used to let it really interfere with my self care. And then being a woman of a certain age I just decided, you know what? Fuck that. I'm going to be the cat that pushes all the useless shit off the table, and I'm just going to keep pushing stuff off the table until I get to the core of what I really need.

Candy: 4:05

Right. really important with self care is recognizing what you need.

Sandi: 4:10

So I'm curious for you, Candy. What does self care mean to you?

Candy: 4:14

Self care means doing a systems check, pausing and doing a systems check to figure out how I'm feeling and what do I need in order to be at my best. And that can be, I mean, it's very situational. So going back to what you were just saying about older generations and whatnot, and putting work first took me a really long time before I recognized the need for self care, that If my body's hurting, I need to lie down. You know, if I'm feeling anxiety, I need to figure out what to do to take care of that. Because for the longest time I ignored my own needs, right? Like I need to work. I have to do this. I have this social obligation. And in these generations that came before, it didn't matter how we felt so much, it was what am I supposed to be doing? What should I be doing right now? We talk about shitting on ourselves a lot,

Sandi: 5:25

yeah, the great shooting.

Candy: 5:26

Right! And breaking away from that has been I mean, I still should on myself. Oh, I have this obligation, but I, I can't right now. I just, I mean, physically, could I make myself? Yes. Is that gonna, that's like helping my neighbor on the airplane before putting my oxygen mask on. It doesn't, it's not helpful. It's not going to be as productive.

Sandi: 5:56

will echo that. I think I've probably mentioned this a few times, but the death of my father in 2015 was sort of a pivotal turning point for me. I was mid 40s. And I I mean, I fell apart. I know I've shared that before. Like I just fell the fuck apart. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't work. I just was completely dysfunctional. Just essentially having a nervous breakdown. It was not pretty, but it taught me that I was not focusing on the right things. and that I needed to do what I was doing as a healer in a very different way. And I think when you go through something that sort of strips you down to your barest points and your barest of bones you learn some things about what is necessary in your life and what isn't, what is feeding you and what is sucking the life out of you.

Candy: 6:52

That is extremely important to learn. Yes, what you just said had an impact on me.

Sandi: 6:59

So that's when I really started meditating, like I, I needed to meditate. And there were times when I would meditate in my office for literally hours on end. And some of it was meditation to go. hear my dad and to be in touch with his spirit wherever he ended up going. And that may sound a little woo woo, but I always like to say I have one foot in science and one in the land of woo. So I try to find a really nice balance of those things in not only in my clinical work, but just for myself as a human. And I guess I had to do sort of a deep spiritual dive into what might have been for me maybe described as the dark night of the soul. That's a term that we therapists often of when things really go down and you're sort of stripped down to your bare necessities, breathing and eating and sleeping. And there is nothing else that is. a focal point. I think it really give, I think for, for most people, but for me specifically, it really gave me this idea that I was spending a lot of energy on things that I just didn't want to, and they weren't giving me anything back.

Candy: 8:06

Yes, I have been there and I still find myself slipping into old habits of doing some of those things and most of mine are social engagements where I feel this a lot. Yes. And I think I probably learned this from my mom, who is an extremely social person. And I don't think she gets worn out by socializing. I do. Like, I love socializing. I do. But I also need to recharge. But she could just fucking keep going, going, going. And so I learned by proxy that If somebody invites me to do something or if I'm invited to a party, whatever it is that I need to say yes and I need to go.

Sandi: 8:49

Yeah.

Candy: 8:49

And I did that for a long, long time. And what it was doing, I kept draining my cup. I kept draining and draining it. And A lot of times these things that I was doing didn't fill it back up enough to counteract. So it was, I was a detriment to myself because I wasn't getting what I needed out of this interaction or this That I'm doing, you know,

Sandi: 9:16

I know. I have definitely been there too. And mine have, Um, family obligations and things that, you know, well, oh, well, you're supposed to do this with the family. You're supposed to, you know, be this with the family and the family is supposed to mean this to you. Well, what if you're in a scenario where the family stuff doesn't feed you because no one really asks about your interests. No one sees you as a whole person. They just sort of expect you to go along and enjoy the things that they enjoy and do things how they wanted to do. And like, I have a really fun example. Um, one time a long time ago before my dad had passed, we decided to do Thanksgiving at our house and we wanted to do a different Thanksgiving so we opted to cook some roasted Cuban pork loin instead of a turkey

Candy: 10:09

I love that.

Sandi: 10:10

and it was delicious. I remember it was a little bit dry but the thing that I remember unfortunately most about that dinner is Two thirds of the people around the table complaining. Well, it's not this. It's not a traditional Thanksgiving. It doesn't look like this. We don't have this dish, and we don't have this dish, and somebody in my family actually threatened to, because it was so non traditional, to bring their own turkey. And I was like, okay, first of all, how fucking rude. And second of all, we're inviting you to our home for a Thanksgiving meal. If that's not something that you want to be a part of, that's okay. But then to come and kind of ruin it with comments and, oh, I wish we had this or this isn't the same and it's not this sort of very traditional thing. That didn't float my boat, and that was sort of the last time I've hosted anything for family. I just don't want to do it. It wasn't feeding me. It was feeding me negativity, and I just wasn't interested. And before my dad died, I think I felt very pressured to show up and do this sort of performative, I'm simply not willing to do that anymore and that lands with people, however it lands, however, they respond to that. That's not my business and it's also not mine to worry about so I don't carry that. I'm gonna meet the needs of my own immediate family and my husband and my kiddo and if anybody else doesn't like it, then I'm sorry, we'll figure something else out. Maybe it's not good for us to do it on such and such same day. We'll do it on a different day. It's that, it's that whole people pleasing thing that really was sort of a crux in my self care because I would find myself pretty chronically doing things to meet the needs of other people first and taking my needs and what my heart really wanted and pushing that aside.

Candy: 12:08

Yes, I can definitely relate to the people pleasing aspect of that and it does have an impact on self care and ignoring our own needs. And that's, I think that's probably the largest part of what I had to break away from in order to recognize what my own needs were and what that looked like in terms of self care because I'm not a huge, not much of a traditionalist. At all. So, and I don't celebrate Christmas. I don't celebrate Thanksgiving for what it is. I won't even go into that. And a lot of times there are family situations that I'm uncomfortable with, you know. And just for the record, I'm not talking about my family of origin now, but like the larger ones with all the huge sides of the family. Like grandma, my, my great aunt, all that, like all that, it was just so much interaction. But as a kid, I didn't have a choice. I had to do what, you know, I was told, know, I didn't like I had a voice to say, even if I did say, I don't want to go, it was not have been an option because of that generation. We were obligated to go attend Thanksgiving, Christmas, Superbowl, whatever it was, and going back to me learning that behavior, it is very much a people pleasing thing. I don't like people to be mad at me. I don't want to disappoint somebody. And so what do I do? I go out of my way to do things that I don't want to do. And then I'm unhappy at the end of it. And then I'm sitting around wondering, well, why am I so unhappy? Well, that, that's it. Because I'm not practicing self care. I'm not saying no.

Sandi: 13:57

right, right. I think the resentment that that breeds within us can be really treacherous and harmful and uncomfortable. And I think from my experience doing this for almost 15 years now and working with a ton of women who are married with children, the expectations, That come. I mean, I get think I think that population gets the most stressed and most people do get stressed around the holidays for different reasons, but that population particular married women with Children and families November, like after the day after Halloween. Like they're making the lists and their shop in there. Oh my God. Okay. We have to order this. We have to do this. And it's just like, and I often get re it often gets referred to as like, this is going to be like the, the longest six weeks of my life like getting through November to December and into the new year. And people don't come to session and talk about the holidays as being something they're looking forward to. There are elements of it that they look forward to, but they're so fucking stressed out about we have to reserve this and we have to do this and we have to do, and it's all these checkboxes, just this endless list of fucking tasks. And then sometimes when I sit down with people and I'm like, Hey, what is it that you want to do? They're like, I haven't even thought about it. And most of the time the answer to that is I just need this to be over with. That tells me something that tells me something that chronically and collectively around certain times of year, certain populations will get far more stressed out and almost like the joy has been sucked out of that. And so my response is then what is one thing that you want to have just for you? And also, what kinds of these pressures can we maybe let go and stop doing so much people pleasing? Because again, like what you said, I hear a lot of, Oh, well, so and so is going to be upset with me, or I'm probably going to get a nasty gram, or the group text is going to be really bad because I'm not doing what they want me to do. I'm not falling in line, quote unquote.

Candy: 16:10

Falling in line. I like that. Yep.

Sandi: 16:12

that's, that's really hard for people. It's not fair. And I think that we get into these places in our head with, Maybe a trauma history, maybe not, but the people pleasing and holding on to things that maybe are not Exactly good for us. We're not getting our bucket filled. We're just getting our bucket depleted So when we go to fill it up, it's just going straight through the bucket

Candy: 16:34

That's that's a great analogy. It's like Drilling a bunch of holes in the bottom of your bucket and you're trying to bail yourself out of a sinking ship You know, it's not it's not gonna work You're gonna end up sinking with the ship because you're not taking care of yourself Which goes to why this is so important you have to take care of your needs before you can take care of the needs of the hole know,

Sandi: 16:58

That's right.

Candy: 16:59

and something that we need to remember is, uh, saying no, saying no, some one simple two letter word can be a form of self care.

Sandi: 17:13

There's an interesting exercise that I have people do sometimes when they're really they're explaining to me that their life feels very out of balance and they're, they're like, I'm giving so much energy to this and then this and this and this. So I have a chart that I'll make for them and I have a hard copy of it somewhere. I might be able to post it, but I don't know if I even currently still have it. I haven't used it in a while, but so I have them make a chart that's basically like a pie. And then we fill in concentric circles from zero to 10 outward. So zero is the, center circle. And then as we get larger, those go out. And so I have people fill in, and then we name each, we name the sectors of it, kind of cutting it like in a pie slice, we name the sectors of it, spiritual, emotional, physical, fun, and, and we just have them add categories of things that sort of represent their life as a whole. And then I have them fill in how much in this current space and time are, are those elements of your life being fed. And so when you have this graphical representation of how out of balance some slices of the pie are absolutely huge and some slices there's no pie at all, just a center. And so how much of those being filled and sometimes we see that the self oriented things are very, very lacking and the things that involve doing for others fills up the entire pie.

Candy: 18:37

yes. Oh, I like that. I've not seen that before.

Sandi: 18:43

I riffed it from something else. I think it might have been like, uh, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs instead of the Pyramid in the concentric circles, like they converted it to that. And then I kind of put my own like spin on and of like, what's personal for you. Oh, I know where I got it. A long, long time ago, the Denver business and employment department had a really great website with all of these resources on it. And it was a pie wheel that talked about like, you just fill in, in what, what fills my life in this way. And you just wrote the things in the pie and I took it and said, let's, let's see if I can make something that will show something to how, how out of balance things are. Because sometimes when people see it and they have to interface with it cognitively, they go, Oh shit, I'm getting nothing and I'm giving all my oomph away.

Candy: 19:35

Right?

Sandi: 19:36

be super detrimental and exacerbate depression, anxiety, it can, it can exacerbate needs for control and power. And even if there's not a standalone health, mental health disorder on board, it can, if we live that way long enough, it can cause us to have a standalone anxiety or depressive disorder because we're simply not getting our needs met.

Candy: 19:58

Yeah. I could see that in my own life. Definitely.

Sandi: 20:01

So it's important for you and you related it to like the, the check in.

Candy: 20:06

Yeah.

Sandi: 20:07

Yeah. Like we were talking a little bit. Yeah. systems check. Right. Um, and do you have a particular visual that kind of comes along with that check in

Candy: 20:17

I have a visual.

Sandi: 20:19

or how do

Candy: 20:19

a great question. Honestly, I will. Check in with my physical self because, you know, we talked about this a little bit last episode, you know, the brain will get a ping and then the body reacts to it. I won't notice the ping first. I will notice how my body feels first. And so, If I notice, and it has taken me, it's taken me a long time to recognize this, if I notice that I'm being grumpy, or that my heart is beating a little fast, or I have a heaviness in my chest, or my gut is just in knots, I have to pause and Ask myself, are you okay going to this event? Are you okay committing to this thing with this other person? And so it's funny that you asked about the visual cause I do a lot of things visually, but I don't for this one that I, that comes to mind immediately. It's more of a, it's like a pause. It's a pause. And I've learned to pause a lot for many different reasons. And for this one too, it's like, is this going to be good for my emotional, physical, mental wellbeing? Is it going to be a detriment to my emotional, physical, mental wellbeing? And I have to evaluate what is my return on interest going to be for this thing I owe that hubby number four, a data scientist and it really helped me appreciate because I, I think a lot in the creative side of things, but there's a lot of logical in my brain and the return on investment really helped me to learn how to evaluate whether or not I needed to tend to this event or help this person out or do this thing for somebody else or if I needed to stay at home and practice. My version of what self care looks like,

Sandi: 22:32

And I, I too am very familiar with and use frequently the return on investment. So you're giving this out like a math equation and then what are you getting back? And if your answer always seems to turn out in the negative, so you're in the red, that means something. And sometimes I encourage people to think of that like the way you would maintain a car. Like if you keep driving your car, and driving and driving and doing all the errands and all the fucking things, and you never put oil in your car, Guess what's going to happen maybe the 3, 000th time you start your car and try to go somewhere. Well, guess

Candy: 23:12

right?

Sandi: 23:13

Seized engine.

Candy: 23:15

Yep.

Sandi: 23:15

now we have a fatalistic, catastrophic breakdown that if we had just done the maintenance, we probably would not have experienced that.

Candy: 23:23

maintenance. And I love that analogy. Any analogy with machinery, moving parts, cars? Yes. Cause I think we can all relate, especially to vehicles.

Sandi: 23:33

Yes. For sure. My dad was a machinist, so I tend to see things like that a lot with, you know, machine oriented things and if we compare, you know, the body to a car, If you are missing, you know, if your oil filter is dirty or if your air filter is dirty, you're gonna have trouble breathing. And what does that equate to? Well, I literally am so overloaded with all the things that I should do or have to do, the do's versus the wants, we're just, we're going to stall out. We cannot, that's not sustainable for most of us.

Candy: 24:07

I also grew up with a machinist and I think that that's why a machinist who is an excellent mechanic. So I worked on cars a lot. And so I can, that's, that's why I really love those analogies because I can relate to that.

Sandi: 24:21

Candy, would you mind sharing some of the things that fall under the umbrella of self care for yourself? What have you learned and what works for you?

Candy: 24:30

Oh gosh, what have I learned? I would say that pausing is probably the biggest part for me in terms of self care. It's the first step. It's recognizing how I feel, take an inventory. Okay, this is how I'm feeling. I find myself in a heightened state, I then have to figure out what it would look like for me to get myself out of that. And it is very situational, uh, because there are times where I'm not able to practice much self care. Ah, well, okay. Let me, let me take that statement back. I don't put product in my hair. Okay. This is kind of weird. This kind of goes more along the lines of self soothing, but it's also self care in situations where I can't. Practice anything like lying down, watching a Star Trek episode, whatever. Being able to regulate, having tools around me so that I can regulate my emotions and my feelings as they come up when I'm out in public is a form of self care for me. So I keep my hair soft so that I can like brush through it. You know, I lotion up. obsessively so that I can pet myself, you know, cause that, that helps me calm myself. And self care also a huge part, and I'm just realizing this now and it might get me a little bit emotional, is fostering my closest interpersonal relationships so that I have those As a safety net for when I need something, you know, I can, can talk to my friends and whether it's venting, ranting, crying, laughing sometimes. Um, so being able to pause, what do I need? Sometimes self care for me, like we've just had a couple of rainy days. and that affects my back more than anything else. And there are times where I have to lie down and I hate that so much. I don't like being stopped. I don't like having to just prone, you know, but I have recognized that sometimes there's a need for that.

Sandi: 26:48

Yeah,

Candy: 26:48

And if I want to be well physically and thereby mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I need to lie down. So it just depends. And I have to evaluate whether it's emotional, psychological or physical or spiritual. Can't forget that. Um, you mentioned meditation and that is something that we talk about a lot in the rooms. you know, in my 12 step program, I'm not going to mention directly because they've run upon that. We talk about prayer meditation and that is also a huge form of self care and I'm not great at the meditating. You know, I used to have monthly coloring parties and that was a huge cup filler for me. That was a time where I could, um, Take five, six hours with a group of friends, color, and it was self care for everybody. We would talk, conversation would be light, and It was rejuvenating, you know? Um, so there are so many things, so many things coloring, watching, you know, favorite episode of a program that calms me, you know, giving my sweetheart a kiss. It's, it's, it doesn't have to be. It's kind of like meditation in and of itself. There is no one thing that's right for everybody. But you know, it just depends. It depends on how, how I'm feeling, how intense that is and what I have at hand to take care of that feeling.

Sandi: 28:32

I agree with you. I think when I conceptualize it for myself, self care really looks like Sort of addressing those different components of life, you know, the spheres and a lot of my my deficits right now are time oriented and Also, there's a little financial stress. So there's like this financial and time thing That's like slices of those things where those two things not having enough time and not having the money required to do some of the things that I Want to that fill my cup I don't know, like a vacation, for instance it's, it's been a little bit difficult to make that happen. And so I try to fill my cup in ways that make me feel like I'm on vacation. And I may have mentioned this before, but one of my biggest serotonin and dopamine boosters is watching rollercoaster videos, particularly of ones that I've

Candy: 29:33

I forgot that. That's, I love that.

Sandi: 29:35

If I'm feeling tired, if I'm feeling mopey, if I'm feeling meh, I have this particular memory. We took our kid to Six Flags Magic Mountain in Los Angeles or Valencia in 2017. And they had a fairly new coaster there called, called Full Throttle. And on the way to the park, for whatever reason, I don't know why we didn't have coffee that day, but I was sans Starbucks. I had not had coffee in my system yet. And I was like, fuck it. Who needs coffee when you have a 200 foot loop that you're going to ride on the outside of the frame, like fucking needs caffeine.

Candy: 30:13

Right.

Sandi: 30:14

and then they put, then they play, um, an Ozzy Osbourne snippet of, um, tunes when they drop you back through this loop and you go backwards. And I like everything in me is like, Oh, take me back to that morning. Take me back to that day when we waltz up to the park and we just get there. And there's not a whole lot of people. And we waited in line for maybe six minutes and got on this incredible fucking coaster. And like, I can watch people take those point of view. videos, you know, from coasters that they're not supposed to, but we do anyway. And I just, I'm like, I'm in, I'm, I'm on it all over again. And I literally go through all of the dopamine and the adrenaline and just, I feel so fucking happy. Um, so that's one thing that I tend to do when things get a little bit boring in adult middle age and there's not enough time. There's not enough resources to do all the fun things or even really take a trip close because Denver, I'm sorry, we, we suck here for coasters. Can't deal. We, we need an actual six flags here. Thanks so much. Whoever's listening. If you could put one in for me, that'd be great. Um, but that idea that I like to have. Of things that have really thrilled me. And that was a great family trip. We had a great time. We scared the hell out of my kid on some things and he just had a fucking blast. And since my husband and I had already been there, we were like showing him this and Oh, look at this. And this is really cool. And that just like, I could talk about roller coasters for hours on end because I love the science behind them. I love the design. I love the, the theming of them. And, uh, And so that's one of the things that if I'm getting kind of down in the dumps and I feel like I need a little bit of novelty, I will go to YouTube and hook up. I have a whole category of coasters that I saved the videos of so I can go in and watch them anytime I please.

Candy: 32:05

I love that

Sandi: 32:08

And it's so silly. And I've actually had clients use that too. And they're like, Oh my God, I love roller coasters. And I've been on, and I'm like, go ride them again. And they're like, how? I don't have any money on YouTube. And they're like, Oh my God, I've never thought of that before. And then they do. And they're like, Oh, this made me so happy. And it's a small, simple thing. But it helps with our chemistry, which changes the way we feel

Candy: 32:30

you talking about that and talking about suggesting that, you know, with your clients or, or people in general, it reminds me of. You know, we were talking about a little bit ago, fostering relationships, because if you don't have those, don't have somebody to talk to that can suggest things like that to help get us through those tough times. When we're struggling. Hmm.

Sandi: 32:54

well. And I, I would echo you on that one too. Um, being the, the age that I am and in the stage of life, my friends and you're included in this group and having people that get me that don't think that, you know, I can be my weird, authentic self and no one's going to shame me about that because I simply don't keep people in my sphere that are going to do that anymore. Um, It's not worth it to me. And so I have a very small circle of people that I feel like I can just absolutely be my unabashed, unadulterated, unvarnished self. And people are like, yeah, we're used to that. Like you're, you know, we love you come here. And having those people in our lives, I think is so, so important. Especially if we've got other people in our lives that maybe we have to interface with on a regular basis that aren't all for us. And don't like, hey, yay you. You know, be your authentic self.

Candy: 33:48

Yeah, and people that I've noticed that I don't talk to as many people that aren't Understanding of the need for self care, you know if somebody's making me feel bad Like you'd mentioned at the beginning of this episode Somebody's making you feel bad for needing to lie down Honestly myself. I used to make myself feel bad You You know, and I had break the habit of that programming of work, work, work, you know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Sandi: 34:26

Yes. I've got a coaster to prove it.

Candy: 34:30

I love that. But yeah there's a lot that goes into the whole process and it is surrounding yourself with people that are understanding. And. Also recognizing, you know, as far as like social events and obligation, the feeling of obligation and shoulds and whatnot, it's okay for somebody to be disappointed that you're not going to go hang out or do this thing with them. And they can also be understanding at the same time. So like somebody being disappointed or bummed isn't the end of the world. If you need to take self care, that's their and they're welcome to them. And we don't to shame that either. You know, people can be, it's okay. It's okay to disappoint people. It's okay to bum people out because you have to take care of yourself. They're on their They're going through their own thing and handling their emotions the best that they know how and hopefully they can do some self care so that they can deal with that, you know.

Sandi: 35:38

That's right.

Candy: 35:39

I felt the need to, to mention that, that, It's okay to disappoint people. It's okay to bum people out. It's okay if people get upset. It is still so important to practice self care regardless of external opinions, feelings. I don't know.

Sandi: 35:59

Well, and that comes back to that word, you know, the shoulds for me. I mean, how many times I can even, I can't even tell you how many times in a therapeutic setting I hear, well, I should be doing this. I should be doing that. I should be doing this. It should be doing that. Okay, great. That's all well and good, but what is the return on investment for those things that you feel you should be doing? And I'm not saying that we're never going to have to be self sacrificing, especially when we're in relationship or we're a parent or we're a partner. There are going to be things that come up where it pushes our boundaries and we're not going to be able to have the things that we need in those moments and that we have to account for that. That's reasonable. But I think making sure that people have a plan, um, to deal with what is. I'm feeling burnt out. I'm feeling tired. I'm feeling, you know, irritable. I need certain things to help me move out of that headspace so I can shift into a more healthy and productive lens. Like when I end sessions with people, I always ask them, how did this go for you today? And what's something that you're going to take with you to focus on? What are you going to take from what we talked about today? What are you going to take to try to incorporate into your life that you look forward to, or that you think would be helpful? And sometimes that can be as small as I'm going to schedule time for myself to meditate for 15 minutes at the end of the day, because I'm home with my kids for the summer, you know, or I'm going to. Schedule a dinner with a friend next week sometimes so that I know I have something on my calendar to look forward to. So again, it's that, that's sort of that ever balance of like filling the empty cup and not pouring from an empty cup. And that's not always easy.

Candy: 37:45

Yeah. It, it isn't, it isn't like, um, I don't know if this will be appropriate at this End part of the podcast, but I'm going to talk about it anyway, cause maybe we can make it work. Yesterday we put Mike's dog down and it was really sad and it was really stressful. The ex was there and there's always tension in those kinds of situations. And I had gone to a concert the night before. I was up late. I was on my feet the whole time and my body and my brain were like, I don't know how much more I can take, but I needed to, I needed to be there. I wanted to be there with him during the process, you know, the vet and all the things, you know, and be there as I can, emotionally. That being said, I am allergic to dogs for one and some breeds affect me more than others. It's, you know, situational. I was already needing rest cause I only got three and a half hours sleep. And, you know, I had to excuse myself from the room cause I could feel, you know, my chest started feeling heavy. I get anaphylaxis if I'm not careful. And so I recognized that I needed to step outside and then later he needed to leave to go do something. And I wanted so badly to just be with him so I could continue to provide emotional support. And I had to stop. I had to stop and say, I cannot keep going with being emotional support candy right now. I have to take care of myself. And so I didn't go with, and I stayed home and I threw on some freaking video. I don't even remember what I threw on. I lay down and I took a nap. Recognize the need for self care because if I would have kept going, that's when I get physically ill. Like I don't get sick very often, but I'll get a cold. Or, you know, I just will get super run down. I will hit that wall and then I will crash and burn. And so I'm like recognizing what I need to do before I crash and burn has been super helpful in living this happy life, you know, and I'm able to be there. I'm able to be more present today for him and myself because I did step away from that situation to take time for self care.

Sandi: 40:22

you have to do that. I don't, I don't know a single person who can't benefit from like what you do, you know, a regular check in. Um, it's, it's just so important to gauge where you're at. And a lot of times, because I always go back to the idea that emotions drive behavior, that if our behavior is off, we may need to check in with ourselves about what's going on with us emotionally or psychologically. Why is this thing that feels so benign or appears benign really pissing me off? Why am I so fucking aggravated and irritated and frustrated? What's happening behind the scenes of the larger landscape of how I'm living daily life right now. And I guarantee you, if you sat and wrote down 10 things that you feel like you're giving energy to that you're frustrated about you may very well easily fill the list Right away

Candy: 41:18

Oh, definitely. And I like what you said about emotions driving our behavior. I think it can be very easy to forget about that and doing that systems check is pertinent to our wellbeing.

Sandi: 41:29

because I know even 20 years ago before well before I became a therapist. I was pretty I was still in my trauma in a lot of ways, and I would get very agitated when things didn't go my way, or that plans that we made to do would fall through, and I simply wouldn't handle the adversity well sometimes, and I would let things build and build and build. And then I can go back to that time frame and think about what I was doing. I was working a job, working jobs that I didn't really want to be working, that I was kind of told by society and, you know, Oh, go to school, get a job, you know, get an education, do this, do that, work for 40 years and retire. Well, guess what? That big ol fuckin lie that I feel I was told as a Gen Xer did not pan out in the ways that I needed it to for me to be happy. And then when I figured out, oh, the grift here feels like I was sold this sort of bill of goods of like, if you do A, B, C, D, and E, that will guarantee that you'll be successful and happy and your life will be good. Well. Um, those things didn't work out that way for me because I was doing and putting energy into things that was not meant for me. Process of growth, you know? And now I automatically know when something comes up in my sphere that I'm like, Oh yeah, that would totally fill my bucket. I'm probably going to go do that thing. And I'm going to prioritize doing that damn thing because for so long, for so many decades, I simply didn't.

Candy: 43:06

So what fills your cup?

Sandi: 43:09

Filling the cup. Friend connection. I like to play games. I like to be in my own head. Um, I love crafts, especially around Halloween. And we're not talking like, you know, little wholesome crafts. Like I want to make bloody gory crafts, you know? Um, like last year I made a snowman that, um, I made a whole backstory for him and he had been attacked by a zombie virus and became a zombie snowman. And I made a little snowman out of a puff ball and put some bloody sticks on him. And he had like, ah, hanging from his mouth. And I mean, you know, just. Oh no. What is that? I don't know. The person who came up with all the Latin words. I think you asked for it. How many w rodzıyorum? No, no, no. I think it's good, I think he is great at chorus Um, I've heard the name serena, serena Son atmospheric on the guitar sound, That's awesome. Yep, that's really cool. When do you think, as a spectator, probably an I and we can watch from there. I'm gonna resubmit it and then your bulbs Should come going off. My little robot will be glowing. Have fun terry! you know, it's going to look different for everyone.

Candy: 44:14

I don't

Sandi: 44:15

Are there any other things that you'd like to share before we start closing up?

Candy: 44:20

think so. I think I shared everything that I wanted to.

Sandi: 44:23

So maybe we put this out as like a challenge and but maybe after listening today, maybe make a list of the 10 things that really fill your bucket and then check in with yourself and say, how often am I getting to do those 10 things? What is it about those things that really make floats my boat and makes me go, yeah, that's, that's what makes life worth living and go after those experiences and pro tip here. If anyone is shaming you or shooting on you, you shouldn't need a nap or you should be able to just, you know, work 14 hour days nonstop and be fine. Um, most of the people who think that some of those things are fine. So don't take their advice.

Candy: 45:09

Yeah,

Sandi: 45:10

that you feel like fills your bucket and if you make them, like you said, if you make them uncomfortable, you're not making them uncomfortable. You're taking care of you and that just happens to be disappointing to somebody else. And that may be a reflection of them not taking care of themselves.

Candy: 45:28

Exactly. Great topic.

Sandi: 45:33

Well, yeah, and everybody, everybody needs the self care piece, but I think that there's a lot of shame around putting ourselves first in a society in modernity that wants so many things from us. Um, that's just exhausting. It's exhausting to be a human. It's okay to acknowledge that. but it's also okay to be the cat and push the bullshit off the ledge that you want nothing to do with.

Candy: 45:59

Agreed. Agreed. So take a moment, make that list. What are the things that fill your cup? What does self care look like for you? Talk

Sandi: 46:11

that's right. All right, go forth, prosper, play and enjoy your life. And we will see you next week. Thanks for being with us today.

Candy: 46:20

to you soon.

Sandi: 46:24

Bye.