S1E5 Making Up For Lost Time

I this episode Candy and Sandi discuss ways they've made up for lost time in childhood. 

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Candy 0:57

Hello, beautiful people. This is Candy.

Sandi 0:59

And it's Sandy. Hello welcome to The Cloaked Tatters, episode 5.

Candy 1:05

Yes! Last time we talked about, well, the last two episodes, we talked about really heavy trauma stuff. And so we decided that this episode should be more uplifting.

Sandi 1:17

Yes,

Candy 1:17

absolutely. So we're going to be a whole lot easier on y'all today as we listen and we tell some stories about things we missed out on. Yes.

Sandi 1:28

And how we have decided in our adult frame of reference to ameliorate and make better the things that we did not get a chance to do.

Candy 1:37

That's such a sexy word.

Sandi 1:39

I know.

Candy 1:41

We're gonna be making up or talking about making up for lost time.

Sandi 1:47

Yes. Talking about the stuff that we should have been doing, and from a developmental spectrum, like, you know, when you're a teenager and you're a tweenager, you probably should be doing things like dating normally, and going out and partying with your friends, and experimenting with makeup and clothes and identity and figuring out who you are, instead of being told what you should be and who you are. So, Candy, do you want to start talking about some of the things you feel like you missed out on to sort of Set the context for where we go from there.

Candy 2:25

Sure. So you touched on it a little bit and when we were talking about this beforehand, some of the ways that I have reclaimed my bodily autonomy.

Sandi 2:38

Mm-Hmm.

Candy 2:39

People that have seen me. In the flesh, already know what I'm talking about, but hair and makeup are huge. I mentioned in my episode, in episode three, about getting in trouble for wearing makeup to school one day in seventh grade.

Sandi 2:55

Ugh.

Candy 2:56

Stupid. To make up for that, I, collect ...I love makeup so much. I go weird with it too. I will throw on any color I want. Glitter. I remember reading a long time ago that women over a certain age or once you start to have wrinkles, you should not wear glittery or metallic eye shadow. I'm like, fuck you. I'm gonna do what I want. Like, You can't tell me what to do. I'm an adult anymore. I'm going to wear the glitter. I'm going to wear the fucking white eyeliner before it was popular.

Sandi 3:31

Yes. Yes. Right.

Candy 3:34

I'm going to have green lips. I'm going to do whatever. How about you? Like, what did you do with your makeup?

Sandi 3:40

Yeah. So when I was young and in my, abused years, there was sort of a certain expectation of how I should look and how I should dress, and it was sort of dictated to me. And so it took me a long time to work out of that. Even into my early 30s, I was still sort of playing by the rules and Didn't help that I was in corporate fuck all jobs that I just did not fit in but I wasn't listening to myself I wasn't listening to my intuition and my internal voice that said, you know You don't need a hot pink trench coat to wear with hot pink glasses and a hot pink Motorola Razr phone Like I got sucked into it Just like some people probably listening like hey And if you want to wear the pink trench coat and pink glasses and have the matching phone, I don't care Prerogative But it didn't fit me, and I always sort of knew, like, there was a part of me that was still very much oppressed and repressed by what had been said to me and what I should have looked like. And so, I think it took me until I was 40, and I had always dreamed about having purple hair. Like, dark purple, like eggplant.

Candy 4:53

Yes!

Sandi 4:54

And when the internet came around, and social media came around, well, social media in particular, because the internet was, what, 95, 96?

Candy 5:01

Right, yeah.

Sandi 5:01

when social media came out and I started using that around like 2007 2008, because I'd never been on social media before, before my son was born, I think, that was like the catalyst to be on social media, because now I can share pictures of my baby and like, look what I made! But I started seeing people, like, alternative people with like piercings and tattoos and like purple hair and every time I saw a woman with purple hair I just was like, ooh, and I'd screenshot it on my phone and I'm like looking at it over and over and it was like Fuck it. It took me ten full years to start dyeing my hair purple.

Candy 5:35

Wow.

Sandi 5:35

So at 40, I have been purple pretty much every day of my life or some shade of purple. And that's just a signature color for me. It's witchy. It's kind of dramatic. Um, it blends really well with my brown. It also covers my grays a little bit, which I don't mind. But purple hair is like my signature thing. And sort of everyone who knows me expects that. That's who I am now. The lady with the purple hair.

Candy 5:59

And it's a great color. I used to do a purple streak. or my bangs when they were long. I would just do the bangs and I didn't wait that long. I dated a kid in high school who used to dye his hair blue. He had a little tuft in the front and he would tie it blue and I'm all, Oh, I want what you've got. Let me do that. So I started dying, like, just my bangs. And then as I reclaimed more, still going along with the hair, I cut. my length off. It used to be down in my waist. Yeah. And the first time I cut my hair was nine inches. I'm like, holy shit.

Sandi 6:35

Culture shock.

Candy 6:37

But it was also a way of reclaiming, you know, because my abuser used to brush my hair and tell me how beautiful my hair was. I'm like, fuck you. I don't want to have beautiful hair. Yeah. I want to have me hair. Yeah. And so dyeing it and then all the way to the Mohawk, which I've had, I don't have it right now, but I've had for like seven years now. And the colors, my signature colors, have become like flames. Yellow, orange, with a little bit of pink in there. Or the Lisa Frank.

Sandi 7:05

That's what you had, that's what you had when I first met you. Yes. And I'm not gonna lie, I miss it a little bit.

Candy 7:10

I do too! But I'm, I'm trying to I'm in that in between stage, which I get to every freaking year. I'm like, I'm gonna grow my hair out and it just doesn't happen. I start getting sweaty at the beginning of summer. I'm like, fuck this. I'm gonna buzz it off. And then I look like Robert De Niro from Taxi for a little bit.

Sandi 7:33

I love it.

Candy 7:34

Going along body modification. That was the, another thing is, So, because I was told how I should dress, how I should behave, what I, what I can and can't put on my face or whatever, I always love nose rings. I pierced my own nose. I do not recommend that, by the way, but you know, reckless behavior, what other better thing do I have to do with myself? So I pierced my, my right nostril when I turned 18. That's also when I got my first tattoo. I'm like, fuck you! And I got it on my forearm. I'm like, I don't want to have a job where I cannot have my body art.

Sandi 8:08

Right, right.

Candy 8:09

You know, and then it just, well, it blossomed from there. I get tattoos whenever I can afford to.

Sandi 8:15

Uh huh, uh huh. What's your favorite tattoo?

Candy 8:19

My favorite tattoo, I always feel guilty about this because I feel like I should say it's the Guess How Much I Love You tattoo on my right arm because it's got my girls' names and it was the book that I read to them all the time.

Sandi 8:30

Yeah.

Candy 8:30

It is very precious to me.

Sandi 8:32

Sure.

Candy 8:32

but my favorite tattoo is my chest tattoo of the last unicorn and the red bull.

Sandi 8:38

It's beautiful, y'all. I love it.

Candy 8:42

It just represents so much to me and it fits right in with what we're talking about. A way of, of reclaiming myself and that whole fantasy part, but it also embraces the light and dark that I have in me. So yeah, it is definitely my chest tattoo.

Sandi 9:01

Yeah. And just as an aside, I know we both love that movie. And when I first met you, I was curious about the tattoo, and I thought it was a skeleton hand coming up your neck. And then you bared your chest to me, and I went, I love that movie!

Candy 9:17

Bared my chest, hello.

Sandi 9:21

Yeah, I still, I mean, the people that I often find the most beautiful and attractive to me is just far as like looking at other humans. It's, Every one of them has tattoos. Every one of them is pierced and every one of them has some kind of just individualistic like umph to them. And I just love it. And, and it, When I was a kid, I was even attracted to that, but I didn't have a way to play that out because I would have been probably bullied far worse than I was because I looked already, like, kind of outcasty and not like the traditional feminine. Right. I, I just, I mean, I remember like musical artists that I would listen to like Flock of Seagulls. Oh my god, I love that. Human League where the guy had the bi level cut and he's got a deep eyeliner on. Yes! Prince, Madonna, like all the people who are sort of these Jetsetters and doing like these very interesting things with their body and their dress and like pushing boundaries and pissing people off I was like, man, I love these people but I never realized that that's who I really was inside Until because it was all repressed and you know written over and now I'm like, I'm 51. I don't give a fuck I'm gonna do what I want And I still haven't gotten a tattoo and I would love one, but I still I still don't love needles, y'all, and I'll get past it at some point. It's totally worth it. Yeah, I know. I know it is. It's totally worth it. I know it is. I'll stick with my ear pierce, or my nose piercing and my double ears pierced, like ooh, woo! But I do, I think people who pierce and do body modification. I just, I love it. I'm so fascinated by it. I think it's beautiful.

Candy 10:59

Me too. Like the dermals that people get and that is actually beyond what I would do for myself. Like, and even the split tongue, I'm like, God, that would be so cool. But I, there's no fucking way.

Sandi 11:12

Yeah. Well, one interesting aside, when the internet did come out in 95 and 96, that's when I became introduced to the Jim Rose Circus.

Candy 11:21

Oh, I don't know what that is.

Sandi 11:22

So it was, uh, traveling like freak show troupe and they do body things and, you know, and so years later we went to the Denver County fair when that was amazing. And that was the most amazing county fair I've ever been to. And we got to see Enigma. And he had been in an episode of the X Files, which I watched the hell out of. That was like one of my favorite series in my 20s and 30s. 20s, I think. It was in the 20s. Um, and then, last year, I got to meet Enigma and get introduced to him at Colorado Festival of Horror. And I had taken a picture with him at the county fair years before. And when I got introduced to, um, One of the Colorado Festival of Horror friends, he introduced me to Enigma, and I was like, holy shit, and Enigma is beautiful And he does like freaky's he does tattoos now and freaky's and he's living back in Denver because I think he's originally from here And he is so amazing looking. He's tattooed like a puzzle. He is blue. He has horns subdermally in his, I mean, he's just, he's just an artist and watching him perform is amazing and such a treat. Um, so sort of like full circle, like a lifetime dream realized.

Candy 12:34

That is so freaking cool.

Sandi 12:37

Yeah, so we were talking a little bit about this, you know, body modification and body autonomy and taking back things. Um, one of the other things that Candy and I both have in common is, sort of a need to have adventuring.

Candy 12:50

Oh, I'm all about the adventure. Yes.

Sandi 12:54

So what does that look like for you?

Candy 12:56

Oh my gosh. So it was crazy. So it kind of weird and we won't go into it too much, but. After we moved from Boulder to Arvada, anytime I was feeling stressed, I went for a drive. I would drive to Boulder. I would drive to Boulder because it was also comfortable in its familiarity. So adventuring, adventuring is being able to get in my car and go anywhere. Go, I, I get to go wherever I want. Yeah. Having a car for me has represented my freedom. I can run away if I need to, or I can just, I can go for a drive in the mountains and just get lost for a little bit, you know?

Sandi 13:39

I did the same thing when I was in high school, um, because of all the things that were, had been happening to me, I did not go to school with any kind of regularity. And so, in lieu of school, I would go to the 7 Eleven in the morning and leave for school at the normal time, show up at 7 Eleven and I'd get myself a fresh pack of cigarettes and some big tankard of coffee, and I would drive my shitty, shitty, shitty car. into Deer Creek Canyon and up to Georgetown and just run away. And I'd be, I'm listening to classical music. I'm listening to NPR radio. I'm listening to all these like intellectual mind and mind just, I mean, my mind was just like, Oh, I just need to get away. And it was just this way to have freedom and power. And I loved it. And I still love a good drive. When my car broke down in 2020. And I didn't have a car for over a year. And then I had subsequent car issues. The three years after that, like I have, like, I was probably one of the most frustrated people you'd ever want to see because I could not go out and drive.

Candy 14:43

Gives me anxiety thinking about not being able to go wherever I please.

Sandi 14:47

It was so bad. It was so bad. And like, what part of adventuring for me now, even when I didn't have a car, like during the pandemic, I pitched a tent for the entire summer and slept in my yard.

Candy 14:58

I love that so much. I love that. And, and yeah, beyond just the driving, adventuring, going up into the mountains and, um, hiking off trail a little bit, you know, some people don't like to do that, but I grew up hiking in the mountains. I have a good sense of direction. I wouldn't be able to do that in the mountains of fricking Idaho, but Colorado, I can, I I can tell where I'm at. Yeah. You know, and just, cause that's where you find the good stuff, all the bones. That's right. And the cool plants.

Sandi 15:26

And the rocks.

Candy 15:27

Yes. All the stones. Yeah.

Sandi 15:30

Yeah.

Candy 15:31

So yeah, adventuring means, and I've been talking with a gentleman that I'm seeing about adventuring and defining it. It's funny, I've been defining adventuring Quite a lot the past few days. Sure. And it's it's it's not just even physically going somewhere It's just for me. It's trying something different.

Sandi 15:55

Yes,

Candy 15:55

than the norm.

Sandi 15:56

Yes

Candy 15:57

for me than my norm

Sandi 15:58

for sure

Candy 15:59

because I'm always trying to keep my Neuropathways fresh and I'm like adventure is the way to go.

Sandi 16:06

Right, right, right.

Candy 16:07

So sometimes it's playing a different tabletop game you know, it's it's Putting myself outside of my comfort zone of the familiar.

Sandi 16:16

Yeah. Yeah,

Candy 16:17

that's that's adventuring for me.

Sandi 16:19

Right, right. I've always had a very sort of wild internal world Like I was an only child like when I was really little it was like my Snoopy record player And I would just sit there and have records on and I would read my little you know little golden books and I would color and like I just had And my parents were, you know, often I think like, well, why do you like spending this much time alone? And I'm like, because I love it. I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Candy 16:47

Yes, exactly.

Sandi 16:49

And I think when I was a teenager and didn't get to have those normative teenage and tweenage experiences, um, I just, I kind of fell into my internal world and it became very much all about music. And like, even as a little kid, I'm thinking about this and I had forgotten about this, but I really liked to perform when I was a little kid, when flash dance came out. I put together a whole fucking routine for all the moms and the little kids that I was watching in the neighborhood. And I remember I did it in our neighbor's house because I, we didn't have enough room. And so we set up like the couches and I was like center stage. I had totally forgotten about that until just now.

Candy 17:25

I love that so much.

Sandi 17:27

And so I still. I like to be, I like to watch performances and I really like performance in general. And so there's something that it just strikes in me of like the expression of that and the way people can move their bodies. I can't dance with beans, so I really love it when I can see people move their bodies in such a way that it's almost like this physical symphony. So cool.

Candy 17:49

It is cool. I love that. I used to go dancing and, and that's probably just another way of, you know, adventuring, expressing myself and going to the club and I'd watch the goths dance and I'm like, Oh, I want to do that. I want to be you when I grow up. I never quite got the hang of it. But

Sandi 18:08

you grab some cobwebs right now.

Candy 18:09

I know.

Sandi 18:12

Sweep in the broom.

Candy 18:16

I mean, I could, I could do some basic moves. I love that. I love that. Dancing. Yes. It's good stuff.

Sandi 18:24

Right. We want to encourage you to do the adventuring. And if people are thinking, like, well, why do you want to go out and take a drive at 2 in the morning by yourself and, like, be alone? Like, isn't that scary or dangerous? No! Some of us find that really exhilarating and freedom and being, being in charge of your own ship. So like, go do the fucking things.

Candy 18:43

Ooh, I love that. Being in charge of your own ship. See, my brain goes to Starship.

Sandi 18:48

Beep, beep, beep.

Candy 18:50

I'm like the Starship Enterprise. This car is my Starship Enterprise and I am fucking Captain Picard.

Sandi 18:56

There you go. It works. It works. See, adults, in my mind, in my opinion, clinically and personally, adults do not often spend enough time in their imagination.

Candy 19:07

I agree wholeheartedly.

Sandi 19:09

And I come from a, you know, boomer generation parents who My dad knew how to play. Oh my god, my dad knew how to play. And he played so much more once my son was born. And I got to see that like playful side of him that he wasn't when I was a little kid. And I, I hate that he died so early when my kid was seven. He had just turned seven years old and they were like best friends. And my dad was a big, he liked to play and he liked to make jokes. And I have a, I have so much of that wiring in me. It's just disgusting how much I am like my father, which I love. But sometimes. It makes people uncomfortable.

Candy 19:45

It does.

Sandi 19:47

To be kind of free and to kind of free with your words and sometimes people have said I'm a lot and I'm like I get it I can be a lot but like it there's something about like seeing people joyful like and watching people be happy and like just crowd observing like there's just something about that that just tickles me and it's like I love seeing I love those videos where you see like the people from New York and they'll pick like the lady who's dressed up and like, you know, a pink tutu and she's got like purple hair and she's 80 years old and she's walking her little dog. And I'm like, yes, talk to her. She knows stuff.

Candy 20:21

Oh my God. You just reminded me one of the things that I did, uh, recently, like 10 years ago, I like tutus. I never had one as a kid.

Sandi 20:32

Okay.

Candy 20:32

I got one and I would wear it when I went riding my bicycle.

Sandi 20:37

Of course you did.

Candy 20:38

I loved it.

Sandi 20:39

Brilliant.

Candy 20:39

Oh, I need to do that. I needed that. Thinking about it brings such a huge smile to my face. Sure. I need to get my tutu out. It's gotta be short cause you know, um, tires and yeah. And yeah,

Sandi 20:54

for sure. Yeah, for sure.

Candy 20:55

But, Oh my God, I had totally forgotten about that. It was another way that I, I'm like, I wouldn't, they wouldn't allow me to do this as a kid. So fuck that. Wasn't allowed to wear press on nails either. I'm like, fuck you. I'm gonna I'm gonna get stilettos that are like an inch and a half long Ain't nothing you can do about it

Sandi 21:14

Should have stabbed him with your nails Yeah Yeah, so I in those those videos that come across like, you know People who are snow blowing and they're like rain blow up rainbow unicorn outfit or the dinosaurs like that Sign me up. I want those people as my neighbors.

Candy 21:31

I need The blow up unicorn.

Sandi 21:34

It's delightful. Oh my god.

Candy 21:36

That's a bucket list item for me.

Sandi 21:38

Yep. All right.

Candy 21:39

Oh my god, yes.

Sandi 21:41

Somebody might have to get you one for your birthday. That's fun. So, we did, we did, I think, both of our fair shares of adventuring and still continue to, you know, play in the ways that feel appropriate with us. Um, one more, or appropriate for us, rather. One of the things that I do want to mention is that during 2020, I was pretty stir crazy during the pandemic like the rest of us.

Candy 22:06

Mm hmm.

Sandi 22:06

And that Christmas, shortly after Christmas came, I ordered a dollhouse from, um, An online retailer that I would never want to mention that I admitted buying something from them, but I put it together with a bunch of hot glue And it's a goth dollhouse, and it sits in my office, and she, I made like an entire closet for her, I made her a record player, she has a little bar, she has a pizza, and she's got like booze in the cabinet, and she has a little refrigerator, she's got two wolves in her house, one's in the kitchen, one's in the bedroom, and like, my husband was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, I'm playing because I'm going to lose my mind.

Candy 22:44

I'm reclaiming my childhood, motherfucker.

Sandi 22:46

That's right. That's right. Yeah,

Candy 22:48

I love that. I love that. Yeah, I I you made me think of my During the pandemic also, I got more into my drawing, and I started drawing these little druid scenes. It's almost like cottagecore stuff.

Sandi 23:02

Oh, fun.

Candy 23:02

And I'm like, oh, this is like my inner, like, 12 year old, my 7 year old, drawing these pictures. And it was, it's such a fun way to get me out of my, I'm taking life too seriously.

Sandi 23:15

Yes. Yes.

Candy 23:16

Space.

Sandi 23:16

Yes.

Candy 23:17

It's, oh, yeah, there are so many things. Actually, like, talking about it, so many things.

Sandi 23:23

Right.

Candy 23:23

That I have picked up to reclaim what I missed out on.

Sandi 23:27

Mm hmm. Oh. Yeah.

Candy 23:29

Mm hmm. I got, I'm like looking at my list of topics and I'm like, keep looking at stickers. I'm like, let's talk about stickers. Can we talk about stickers?

Sandi 23:36

Well, let's talk about stickers. Antsy four year old over here needs to talk about the stickers.

Candy 23:43

I was a huge sticker person as a kid. And the thing is though, when I was little, the only thing I ever, I don't want to say ever. The only thing I remember decorating with stickers was my cassette tape box. You know, it was like the 8x10 with the little buckle on the front. You know what I'm talking about?

Sandi 24:02

Yep. Yep.

Candy 24:02

Everybody had them.

Sandi 24:04

Yes.

Candy 24:04

Uh, I remember I decorated that, but then the rest of the stickers, they were so precious. And we didn't have a lot of money, so I couldn't get stickers that often. Sure. I put in, um, a, uh, photo album.

Sandi 24:17

Yep. Yep.

Candy 24:17

Yeah, and I actually just recently took some of those out because I was going through my stuff, minimizing and, uh, the way that it came, it's come through in adulthood. It's a little crazy. I'm like, I will sticker everything.

Sandi 24:34

Yeah.

Candy 24:34

Water bottles got tons of stickers.

Sandi 24:36

Yes.

Candy 24:37

My laptop's got stickers and my vehicle's got stickers.

Sandi 24:41

Oh boy, does yours.

Candy 24:43

It makes me so happy.

Sandi 24:45

Yeah. Yeah.

Candy 24:46

You know, my old roommate had the Cricket.

Sandi 24:48

Yep. Oh yeah.

Candy 24:50

And so I looked up stars. I had this vision in my head. I'm like, I want this particularly shaped star and I want him to like splash from my fender onto the back. And so I printed a bunch. And of course they had to be holographic.

Sandi 25:04

Hello. Of course.

Candy 25:08

And so, yeah, my car going back to the car thing, it's also always been. a reflection of my personality. I'm like, my car needs to say candy, period.

Sandi 25:19

Sure.

Candy 25:20

Otherwise, like, it's just boring.

Sandi 25:23

Yeah. Yeah. I, I drive I've got a Saab problem, and they have problems too, but they're a dying breed, there's not so many of them on the road, I hear they're making a new sports vehicle, but it's not an original sob, so I probably won't ever get one, but I've driven old sobs exclusively sent for, oh god, since I was 30? So 20 years, 21 years, I've been driving Saabs. And mine died last October, right around my birthday, which I was super bummed. Um, but it's a very nice four door turbo, lots of space, very lo I mean, it's just a joy to drive, and the fucker drives itself, it's great. so great. And I put all kinds of stickers on the back. I've got blood drips hanging from my trunk on both sides. I have, I break for cemeteries, midnight syndicate stickers. Like, it looks like a goth teenager drives the car and I just don't give a shit. And I've got my ball Palo Santo in there and you just smell it and drive and say, Oh God, it's like being in a trance. I love it so much.

Candy 26:25

It's so funny. You and I are, we're so similar, but we're like. Total opposites in that aspect. I'm like, glitter, rainbow, unicorns, and some skulls here and there, you know, I don't mind a little blood in my scenery, but you're, you're goth, and I'm like,

Sandi 26:43

Like blood, and daggers, and vampires, and teeth, and stabbing, and it's just my thing, it's totally I, I think because I had to be so, like, I had to always be nice.

Candy 26:56

Oh, yeah,

Sandi 26:57

like I was a nice kid. I was a nice girl. And you know what? I'm 51. I get sick of being nice all the time. I get sick of being like thinking that the world can walk on me. So I don't let that happen anymore. And sometimes I can be a little abrasive. And if I'm, you know, I don't, I don't care. I'm so I'm like the nicest person and people have said to me, what's with this duality in your personality? Like you're so kind and nice, but then you like all this really dark, crazy shit. And I'm like, I'm a Libra. That's the sign of the balance. That's the answer right there. And I've always been that way. I'm really good at seeing both sides of the situation. Um, I'm really, I, I just, I like to have that balance. And if, if I do too many happy, happy, nice, nice things, like I need, I'm going to need a big fat horror movie to balance that out.

Candy 27:44

Oh, okay. So that's interesting because some of the shit that I write is dark. Yeah. Yeah. And I have drawn dark things, but the writing, I'm like, Oh, this is fucked up. I don't know if I should write this. And then I have to, I'm like, bitch. Clive Barker, you heard of the guy? I love Clive Barker. It's like, don't, don't edit yourself. But ultimately, I do have a tendency to lean towards the sparkly glitter shit.

Sandi 28:11

It too much sparkly glitter literally makes my stomach go bleh. Like, it's just too much for me. And I, I need a little grit. one of my bosses who I've worked for for about eight years now, um, he's a, he's darling, and he's a, such a good, deeply good person, and he, he describes me as like, I'm a little bit rough on the outside, you know, I'm a little bit like rough and tumble and like, mrrr, and I'm, I'm proud of that. I, and that's, that comes from my dad, that big, that comes from being raised by sort of a gruff, but really like kind, soft, teddy bear guy on the inside. But worked with his hands and was always kind of dirty and didn't really, like, groom himself super well, you know?

Candy 28:52

Yep.

Sandi 28:53

One thing before we move on to, sort of the next things, Back to the stickers.

Candy 28:58

Yeah.

Sandi 28:59

So you don't know this about me, but in my cellar right now, I have my sticker collection from when I was in elementary school. And we used to have a Hello Kitty.

Candy 29:09

Oh my god.

Sandi 29:10

I'll show it to you when we're done. I have a Hello Kitty jewelry box in the closet across the hallway that's a vintage one that I will never get rid of. Yes. I have a Hello Kitty sticker and tape dispenser, like a tape dispenser, and I have Hello Kitty scissors. Oh, and I've saved these things. I love it. But my stickers are down in my cellar. They are from when I was like eight, nine years old, probably third, fourth grade, because we would get them through the Scholastic Book Fair, which was like the best selling thing, the highlight of my life. Oh fair, right?

Candy 29:40

Yes, yes, yes.

Sandi 29:40

When my kid went to school and was in elementary school, I was very hard pressed to not blow a bunch of cash on not only books for him, but but shit for me because I was like, um, what is the rainbow pen with all like the pen that had the 30 different inks in them and you would push it and it would come down. Oh my god, I have one somewhere in this house. But downstairs in the cellar I have my entire sticker book and the gasoline sticker. was my favorite and it still smells.

Candy 30:07

Oh my gosh, the chemicals that they use are,

Sandi 30:11

I mean, it's probably giving me cancer, but you know, scratch and sniff baby cancer. You know,

Candy 30:18

I love scratch and sniff.

Sandi 30:20

Stick my nose in the, in the whole pages. And I have the Lisa Frank pages that you can add to the sticker thing.

Candy 30:26

Oh my god, lisa Frank!

Sandi 30:27

Uh huh, yeah, and I've got big, like, entire, like, a unicorn sticker that's like an entire eight and a half by eleven page, so.

Candy 30:34

Can you leave this stuff to me in your will?

Sandi 30:36

Sure.

Candy 30:36

I'm just saying.

Sandi 30:37

Sure.

Candy 30:37

You know, nobody else needs this. I do, though.

Sandi 30:41

All that Lisa Frank stuff and the Hello Kitty. I remember we used to go to a mall when I was a kid and they had a Hello Kitty store. And that's where I blew most of my babysitting money. Like, most of it just went to Hello Kitty.

Candy 30:53

Oh, I love Hello Kitty.

Sandi 30:55

Apparently. There's a Hello Kitty cafe in Los Angeles.

Candy 30:58

Oh, let's go.

Sandi 31:00

Mm-Hmm.

Candy 31:00

We should go.

Sandi 31:01

Road trip.

Candy 31:02

Yes. Adventure.

Sandi 31:03

Uhhuh. Yes. Yes. Well, I like all the variations

Candy 31:06

of the Hello Kitty Uhhuh. Hello Kitty Goth. Uhhuh. Bondage. Hello Kitty.

Sandi 31:10

Yeah. Uhhuh Uh,

Candy 31:12

I love, oh, I love, yes.

Sandi 31:14

Good stuff.

Candy 31:15

Mm hmm.

Sandi 31:16

We're both, like, pasted smiles on our face right now, like, trying to, I can see both of our brains sort of churning around all the un, unremembered childhood memories.

Candy 31:26

Oh my goodness, yes.

Sandi 31:28

Whole different energy in this room than there was the last two weeks, so that's really nice.

Candy 31:32

So much better.

Sandi 31:33

Yeah,

Candy 31:33

so much better. Those two episodes were were difficult. Yeah, they were heavy. Uh, and so worth it though

Sandi 31:39

Yeah, very much. Yeah, very much.

Candy 31:41

So you're what you were talking about. Oh, what was it? It was a nice segue into the next Oh, you're talking about Hello Kitty and We wanted to talk about toys.

Sandi 31:53

Yes.

Candy 31:54

I've got a Hello Kitty goth that my sister and I got together It's one of my favorite things. I used to have it in my car and I'm although the Sun is ruining it I must save it.

Sandi 32:04

Yes,

Candy 32:04

but stuffed animals That's a huge one. I I need me some stuffed animals.

Sandi 32:11

Yeah,

Candy 32:11

I I've got it. I have to

Sandi 32:14

yeah

Candy 32:14

That was a big thing. Like I had them as a kid. Yes, but it's still I mean it it's still Filtered into adulthood too.

Sandi 32:21

Yeah. Yeah. My pillow every night for the last seven years or so, six years or so, is a gray kitty, like one of those boobly, plushy, like, you know, it's like a big round blob.

Candy 32:35

Is it a Squishmallow?

Sandi 32:36

Yeah, Squishmallow. And it's gray, it's a gray kitty, and it's name is Carter. And I got it because my son didn't want it anymore, and I was like, it's mine now, and I sleep on that every night, and it supports my head and neck in just such a way because it's so squishy. Yes. I just, I just can't not.

Candy 32:52

I, I too sleep with a squishmallow, an owl.

Sandi 32:56

That thing went to Chicago with me when I helped my aunt and it went to South Dakota with me and I mean it squishes down to like nothing so it fits on the very top of the suitcase.

Candy 33:07

Yes.

Sandi 33:07

It's the first thing I pull out and it's like fluff Carson up and then put your head down.

Candy 33:10

Love it.

Sandi 33:11

Yeah.

Candy 33:11

I, my favorite one, my favorite stuffy to sleep with as of late. Was a goat. Dude, I know. It was a goat. I got it at a Meijer grocery store in Kalamazoo, Michigan, when I was living out there. And I I coveted that thing. And I don't have it anymore. Cause I gave it to my sister. She was really struggling and I'm like, here, this has my smell. And you love all the dark stuff. Also have this goat. I named him Baphomet and called him Boffy for short.

Sandi 33:43

I love it. I love it. I would love me a black Phillip.

Candy 33:46

Oh yes, a black Phillip. Oh, I would be down for that. So I'm looking for a goat to replace him cause I, I miss him. Sleeping with my goat.

Sandi 33:57

Yeah, there will be Google searches after. Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

Candy 34:01

Yes. Tell me about some other toys that you've got

Sandi 34:03

Um, so God besides the Barbies that I discussed last week at nauseam, you know 36 Barbies, one Ken doll, one Darcy doll, and two big drawers of toys fucking Barbie shit. Um, oh my god.

Candy 34:14

You forgot the partridge in a pear tree.

Sandi 34:15

And the partridge in a pear tree. Um, something that I reordered for myself recently that I have yet to play with because it's missing an integral part that I need to go to the craft store and figure out. It's a toy called Fashion Plates. Do you know what those are?

Candy 34:28

Oh my God. Are they where you can make outfits?

Sandi 34:32

Yes.

Candy 34:32

Oh, I always wanted one of those.

Sandi 34:34

I'll let you play with it. It's miss, it's missing the, the crayon piece and the holder that you drag down. So I just need to go to the art supply store and find something that will hold like a crayon and then get a black crayon and then, yeah. But I got the, one of the originals from, I can't remember the name of the manufacturer. It's some funky thing. Um, but it was, um, it's the original. from like 1976 and I got it on eBay for like 14 and I was like, I can't fucking help myself. I'm going to buy this and I'm going to play, um, when, when eventually I can clear out my office and maybe not have so many things going on in here, um, I would love to have like a little art setup place. Um, and then there was one other toy that I was really attached to when I was young and it was called Fresh and Fancy.

Candy 35:21

What is that?

Sandi 35:22

So it was an entire, it came in like this. I don't know, like 36 by 24 flat kind of thing and it had things in there, it had bottles and liquid and soap and makeup colors and you could custom blend.

Candy 35:42

Oh, that sounds delightful.

Sandi 35:44

And that got me into my love of makeup. And as you know, I'm a big Halloween freak. And I love anything. By the time middle of September rolls around, I am putting, I mean, Halloween goes up at my house slowly but surely over a course of a few weeks. And then the shining glory of being able to go and do Halloween events and dress up and do my makeup. I missed my calling as a special effects makeup artist I love doing that stuff. Um, but I was very interested in makeup and I had some fr I had a friend when I was very little, whose mom did Avon. And of course, we had all the leftovers in the sample cases when you'd go to someone's house. You know, you pass through and you knock on your door, Avon,calling. Um, God, get out. and we would just make up our faces and we, I mean, it was pretty heavy makeup for young kids, but we loved playing with it. fresh, fresh and fancy. Oh, I need to Google that too. Fresh and fancy also had like a perfume mixing component.

Candy 36:42

Oh,

Sandi 36:43

and that was amazing. I loved it. And so then you could buy, like, refills for your Fresh and Fancy and go to Toys R Us. I know, it was so great.

Candy 36:50

That sounds so awesome!

Sandi 36:52

Yeah, it was great. Yeah. But the toys I like now are mostly dark, and, you know, I've got my whole Um, what is it, Todd? Todd McFarlane. Yeah, Todd McFarlane. The whole collection of toys that when my kid was four and five, he was like, can I touch this? No. No.

Candy 37:10

You want to lose a finger?

Sandi 37:11

Yeah. Don't.

Candy 37:11

You'll draw back a stump.

Sandi 37:12

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And so I like my horror figurines. I have a collection of pops that is, um, Stephen King, uh, and Mr. Rogers.

Candy 37:24

Oh, of course. Of course.

Sandi 37:26

Yeah.

Candy 37:27

Cause he would accept all the, all the horror.

Sandi 37:31

Yeah, he would be like, it's okay. And friends, friends accept friends for who they are.

Candy 37:36

Could you imagine Mr. Rogers having tea with Pinhead? Oh, I feel like I need to draw that.

Sandi 37:42

That would be a fun drawing. It would be really fun.

Candy 37:44

I'm gonna write that down.

Sandi 37:45

Yeah. Be as spiky as you like, but be nice.

Candy 37:48

Yes, I love that idea.

Sandi 37:52

And pretty much anything Jack Skellington or Nightmare Before Christmas related, I'm an absolute sucker for.

Candy 37:57

My sister played that movie so much, I can't. I got burned out. I'm all, I can appreciate it. It's like Shakespeare. I can appreciate it for what it is, but it is not a go to for me.

Sandi 38:10

Well, you're gonna have to get the fuck out. I'm sorry, but the door's right there.

Candy 38:16

I'm not, I'm done listening. Forget it.

Sandi 38:21

Yeah, no, totally fine. It is definitely an acquired taste, but if you look around my room, like all the art pieces and all the things, the, the, the, independent artists that I gravitate toward. It's all very dark and horror related and bloody and gothy. And that's just, that's just my thing. I, and I love that. It makes me so peaceful and calm.

Candy 38:41

I'm envious of your McFarlane figures, and we've talked about this before. I had a ton, including like the first series that he came out with. I was married to hubby number one at the time, and he bought all of them for me. All of them!

Sandi 38:57

Oh my god.

Candy 38:59

And I don't have any of them. Any of them, any more. I have Medusa. Uh, and what happened, so Barbies, yes, I love my Barbies. As an adult, I will still go down the Barbie aisle. The Fairy topia Barbies.

Sandi 39:16

Oh.

Candy 39:16

I had so many of those.

Sandi 39:18

I don't know that one.

Candy 39:19

And what I did was, here's where my dark part comes out. So I had this really cool, I don't even remember the name of the McFarlane action figure, but I had this birdcage and then had a little birdcage. So I put a little Fairy topia fairy in the small birdcage, put that in the big one as bait for the creature, the McFarlane creature that I put inside and I still have it. And it is one of my favorite pieces of decoration. I'm like, yes, and I used to have it in, you know, those big hoops for bird cages. Yeah, I had that in my yard.

Sandi 39:52

I love it.

Candy 39:54

I freaking love it.

Sandi 39:55

I love it.

Candy 39:56

But what happened, this is a perfect segue into the Pony Express. What happened with a lot of my toys, my, my little ponies, I got into my, the new My Little Ponies. I had original ones. I had my strawberry shortcakes as an adult and my McFarlane action figures. And it started with, I can't even remember the name of the pony at the moment, but it was a Pegasus and have a Spock action figure. So I glued, I used silicone and I put Spock on the Pegasus. And then I put that Pegasus on the hood of my car. I did.

Sandi 40:36

That's perfect.

Candy 40:36

It is, it is so perfect. And then I'm like, well, we need a V formation. So then I added more ponies. I did the six, The main six from the new series behind and from there, the pony express. Oh, I, I, I put a 10 inch pony that I put fangs. I made, I made her, gave her wicked fangs and, uh, Horn from dismantling one of my McFarlane figures. It's blasphemy, I realize. And, and I put crystals for her eyes. See, it's a nice combination of both.

Sandi 41:12

Uh huh.

Candy 41:13

She went in the very center of my car. It was a Toyota Corolla that I had at the time. And she went on the roof. And then, the army. was developed. And I put, I remember I had Ash from

Sandi 41:26

Oh, please tell me you have pictures of all these things.

Candy 41:28

Oh, I have pictures. I do.

Sandi 41:30

Because I'm going to need to see those, like, stat.

Candy 41:33

And I had ponies on the roof of my car. And then I put the action figures on the ponies. And I had a Monchichi on a pony.

Sandi 41:41

Monchichi! Oh, I love Monchichi. I never had one. Oh, so cute.

Candy 41:45

Yeah, it was so great. And I had Strawberry Shortcake on a pony. It was just And so my, my Toyota, I fucking love that car, may it rest in peace.

Sandi 41:55

Yeah.

Candy 41:56

That was, uh, my pride and joy. And I drove that around town. And I'm like, this is me in a fucking nutshell. I'm an adult. I can get in my car and adventure. And I've got toys glued all over this.

Sandi 42:10

Yeah.

Candy 42:11

I cannot be unhappy in this car,

Sandi 42:13

right.

Candy 42:14

Because every time I went out, people were smiling.

Sandi 42:16

I love it.

Candy 42:17

And I'm like, Oh, I'm making people happy. And that makes me happy.

Sandi 42:21

Yeah. This is, this is just more evidence to the point that you need to really be as weird as you need to be in a society where Things are not copacetic all the time, right? We have a lot of things that are going on that are really stressing people out just to their, just through their very core. And it's interesting to me because, like, sometimes when I see people who, like, they have their whole personality on a car. in a way that, that is offensive or hurtful or bothersome. I mean, I've driven around and just seen people with like, you know, fuck you and fuck this and like, what, okay, we're, we're, and I'm not, I'm not judging those folks, but what I am saying is that it can, you can tell a lot about a person by how they show up in the social sphere and in public and in the collective. And like, I do, I do worry about people who are like, You know, fuck this person and fuck that person and like, you know, and I'm like, yeah, okay. What what's happening here? Why why are and and to me there's some unresolved stuff there But so but when it's joyful and happy and that becomes your sort of external Personality that you show the word world like you're right up front about like Yeah, I'm a weirdo, and like, take it or leave it, but I'm not out here to harm anybody.

Candy 43:43

Right, exactly. You know? I just want to spread joy.

Sandi 43:46

Right. Right.

Candy 43:47

Yep.

Sandi 43:47

Yeah. Fart glitter.

Candy 43:50

I do fart glitter.

Sandi 43:51

That's right. That's right.

Candy 43:52

Well, that's going to become a thing.

Sandi 43:53

So, are we going to hear about the Pony Express?

Candy 43:55

That is the Pony Express.

Sandi 43:57

That's the Pony express.

Candy 43:58

That is the Pony Express.

Sandi 43:59

I totally missed it. Holy shit. That's hilarious.

Candy 44:02

Cause it was, I took all the ponies that I had. The My Little Pony.

Sandi 44:05

I love it.

Candy 44:06

All generations. Okay. Glued them to my, I'm on people of Walmart. My car.

Sandi 44:11

Are you really? That's something. Like that is something. That is some kind of accomplishment.

Candy 44:17

My claim to fame. The Pony Express. I think the subtitle is All Aboard the Pony Express to Lonely Town.

Sandi 44:28

You didn't come up with that caption.

Candy 44:29

No, I did not.

Sandi 44:30

somebody else.

Candy 44:31

I did not

Sandi 44:32

see people judged you for like, you know, and made some assumptions about you that, you know, and I'm making some assumptions too. But like when you're, when your whole personality seems like it's something that's violent or threatening to other people or whole groups of people, like you may have some shit to work out.

Candy 44:48

Right.

Sandi 44:49

You know,

Candy 44:49

right.

Sandi 44:50

Whereas if you're just spreading around rainbows and joy, Like, what's wrong with that? You know? Who are you trying to hurt? Nobody. I'm gonna fart glitter on you. Poof!

Candy 44:58

Yes. Yes. I'm gonna glue a bunch of trolls on my car. There's also a Toyota Corolla. I think it's a Corolla. That's the troll car.

Sandi 45:06

The original trolls.

Candy 45:08

Yes, they've got trolls. I've never met the person, and I kind of wish we had a picture of the Pony Express next to that troll car.

Sandi 45:16

Absolutely.

Candy 45:16

Oh, I haven't seen it recently, but I used to see it around Arvada a lot, and I'm like, yes, you are my fucking people.

Sandi 45:24

All I can think right now is that I need a fucking hearse. So I could just do whatever I wanted to it and then be in this in the Broadway, the South Broadway Halloween parade.

Candy 45:34

I love that. I would paint mine with glitter and rainbows. Can you imagine a fucking hearse all glittery and shit?

Sandi 45:42

It's a, it's, it's a moment. It's a vibe. It's a whole thing.

Candy 45:45

Yes. I love it.

Sandi 45:46

We're getting close to the end here. I just want to add one more thing. My love of Halloween. turned into eventually, that started, I started collecting Halloween props when I was 17. And I always loved Halloween, my birthday's in October, that's a whole thing for me. and yes, Halloween is my whole personality in October and September, so don't even try to get me to enjoy anything else, like, you know. And some of that shit sticks around well into December, and then I just dress my witches up in, in Christmas hats, that sit on my porch. You saw them, the ones with the garlands now, because it's spring, you know, it's summer. but we ran a haunted house at our home for, Several years. and we went so far as to, in September, end of August, my parents would come down and they would help us construct walls. So we would put all of these huge walls up in our backyard. We made a maze entirely out of PVC and black plastic and hot glue. I can't tell you how many burns I got on my finger from like, ah, but I was like, Oh, the terror, the horror, let's scare the shit out of people. and that is where I shine. I, for years I went to haunted houses. I went all throughout my kiddom, all throughout my teenage years. There's a core memory there of when my parents first took me to a haunted house. and they essentially left me in the middle of the room in one of those rooms where it was all like black and white dots. Oh my god. And then people come out from the walls.

Candy 47:06

Oh my goodness.

Sandi 47:06

And my parents were laughing and standing and waiting for me at the next door. Entrance that went into the next room and I remember the vampire the mummy and the werewolf all came like surrounding me and like as a joke and I loved it. Scared the hell out of me and I was like, do it again, do it again.

Candy 47:25

Yes, I love that so much.

Sandi 47:28

That was the year that my dad, when he took me to this haunted house, he rented a gorilla costume and stood in line as a gorilla.

Candy 47:36

Oh my goodness.

Sandi 47:36

And went around and made all the sounds and was like, you know, had a fake banana and like was literally working the crowd.

Candy 47:43

I love that.

Sandi 47:43

Like my dad should have been a comedian. So I got a lot of that from him. But when you put me behind a mask, I am terrifying. And I will fuck with people and having a haunted house was a great cathartic way of doing that for me And we had people lining up in our driveway I think we had 25 the first year 50 the next year and like a hundred and two on the third year that we did

Candy 48:05

Oh my goodness,

Sandi 48:06

and it was a neighborhood haunt and we didn't charge for it. And it was this just this entirely Huge labor of love and people would come and tell us like your haunted house is scarier than any of the commercial ones that we pay for. And I was like, fuck. Yeah,

Candy 48:21

mission accomplished.

Sandi 48:23

And then what was really sweet about it is when we had little kids. And we had adults who were afraid to come to our door. Like they were like, don't, Oh my God. And there was one woman. I remember she was literally standing on the sidewalk and I was like, you come in. And she was like, no. And her family was in the back and she's here in the screen. She's like, Oh my God. Oh my God. and we'd have little kids come up that were absolutely terrified and I would take my mask off and get down at their level and be like, it's okay. Do you want to touch? Do you want to see the mask? Do you want to put it on? And then I'd walk them through, like hold their hands and walk them through the yard and show them that it was completely safe and it was all fake and it was just big imagination. and I just, I miss doing it so much, but it takes so much energy and labor that we just simply don't have anymore. And the time and the cost and all of that.

Candy 49:07

It's a lot.

Sandi 49:08

But I, every October I bring out my Halloween props and I get fucking weird. We have a graveyard in our front yard that's like 20, 25 by 30 feet or something. We made our own custom headstones and I will literally sit out in the graveyard with my smoke machine and my music and just kind of hang out in the graveyard. That's just the kind of weirdo I am. And those, those are the kinds of things that I express myself through because when I was a kid trying to do all this identity work, didn't get the opportunity. I got some, but it was so tainted and twisted that I was like, I don't have to be the nice girl all the time.

Candy 49:45

No.

Sandi 49:45

Even though I'm a healer in the world, I get to be dark and fucked up and I get to work that that shit out and it still is something that I get like my heart is racing right now and I'm getting red in the face like I can't wait for Halloween.

Candy 49:57

Right.

Sandi 49:57

You know as soon as those crisp leaves start falling and we get crunchy crunchy like yes it's time to be fucking weird.

Candy 50:06

Oh I love that so much. I love that. Yes, that's funny. Like I went opposite and I'll wrap up with this. I always felt like, that's why I went to the glittery sparkly side. It's because I always felt so dark inside and all the, I, I didn't want it to consume me. So I'm like, I'm feeling this darkness inside. I need to counterbalance that with the glitter. That's why I've got the sparkly shit all over my face, you know, and it helped me get through the world.

Sandi 50:35

Yeah.

Candy 50:36

In. A brighter way, you know, and then With the toys and the stickers.

Sandi 50:43

Mm-Hmm.

Candy 50:43

and all the other body modification. Mm.

Sandi 50:46

Yeah.

Candy 50:47

It's made life much more bearable.

Sandi 50:49

That's right. And I, I think to anyone listening who is like, you know, maybe people have called you a weirdo or you're strange or said something about a hobby that you like and gone, that's weird. What's wrong with you? Like, embrace that shit.

Candy 51:01

Yes.

Sandi 51:01

Let it yes. Let it be the thing that makes you stand out, that makes you individual and like no one else. because we know every, like Mr. Rogers, everyone is special and unique and there's something good about each and every one of us that's just beautiful, inherently wonderful and kind, but many people get lost because of the things that happen to them.

Candy 51:19

Yes.

Sandi 51:19

So if you can find your way through play and imagination and music and art and expression in whatever way suits your fancy, as long as you're not harming anybody else, go do the fucking thing.

Candy 51:32

Weirdo is a compliment.

Sandi 51:33

Yes.

Candy 51:34

In my book.

Sandi 51:34

Weirdos unite!

Candy 51:37

Yes!

Sandi 51:38

Yes. So, if you're a weirdo, and we have to gather some part of you is probably a weirdo for wanting to listen to us talk about trauma and all this other weird shit, we're super excited to have you and we just say, go be weird, go be your most playful self, embrace your imagination, and, and love the fuck out of yourself, cause you deserve it.

Candy 51:59

Yes, you do. Thank you for being here.

Sandi 52:03

Rock on. We'll see you guys next week!