This episode dives deep into Candy's traumatic experiences and how they affected her through her life until she discovered how to turn those tragedies into hope and keep going. Trigger warnings for sexual assault, drug use, addiction and violence.
This episode dives deep into Candy's traumatic experiences and how they affected her through her life until she discovered how to turn those tragedies into hope and keep going. Trigger warnings for sexual assault, drug use, addiction and violence.
Hello, my friends, welcome to episode three of the cloaked tatters podcast.
Sandi:Hello, everyone.
Candy:Today, I am going to be sharing my story, my trauma story with y'all, so that you can have an idea of where I've come from and why I think that I'm qualified to talk about these things. And before we get started, I would like to address. How I'm feeling right now, leading up to this moment, the past few hours, we've been taking care of other podcast business and I found myself getting, I don't want to say anxious because it's not quite right. I'm feeling anxiety. I was feeling anxiety and getting the adrenaline rush in my body and wanting to cry and we actually ended up talking about an incident that happened in my past that came And said hello out of the blue,
Sandi:as they do,
Candy:and I wanted to cry and I'm like, no, do the podcast recording first, cry later. I'm going to cry in the shower. We talked about that. I like crying in the shower. So I'm saving that for later, but I did want to address that because I like to keep things real. I want everything on here to be real, raw, and honest. So I am nervous as fuck and we're going to talk about some very heavy stuff. So buckle in. We're in for a ride.
Sandi:We sure are. It go like this.
Candy:Yes. So I'm going to start with about the age of three. That's when my mom and my biological father separated. We moved from Minnesota to Colorado, still consider myself a native. And, and I had one of my first nightmares that I remember my uncles were watching Jaws, and I ended up having a nightmare about that. It was a new situation. There were spiders. There's all sorts of things. So this started my journey of trauma, that separation. And It wasn't long before my mom contacted a high school sweetheart of hers and they got together, things progressed, we moved in, and they would eventually get married. He was technically my stepdad. I absolutely despise calling him that. He was my mother's second husband and the biggest source of my trauma. He was not a nice person. So, from about the age of four ish to seven, there was a whole slew of physical abuse. Uh, you had two young parents, didn't know what the hell they were doing, and they didn't have their own distress tolerance skills. Raising two little kids, and There was, there was so much, uh, physical abuse. It started off with spankings, and it developed into things like my sister used to cuss a lot. And if we got caught cussing, we had to say those words in front of a mirror. So we were basically cussing at ourselves.
Sandi:I have never heard that before. And I've heard a lot.
Candy:Are you serious?
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:Oh man. Yeah. That was thinking about it now. I'm like, Oh my God. The, the amount of damage I, did not cuss as much then. Maybe that's why I cuss so much now.
Sandi:That's because you're exactly told what not to do and now you do it and do it.
Candy:Yeah. Nobody's tellin' me what to do. And then another punishment. And I have, I didn't hear about this from anybody else until I started watching cult documentaries, sitting in a tub of cold water was a punishment. If we did something we weren't supposed to do, he would fill it with cold water and we had to sit there. And I remember sitting there in the cold, shivering and miserable.
Sandi:Yeah. Yeah.
Candy:That, uh, uh, the memories are so visceral. And then, you know, there was another time where, and this actually followed me into adulthood I still struggle with this. So we moved to Table Mesa, which is like a little part of Boulder from Lafayette. Okay. And. we had a playroom in the basement, my sister and I, and we were told to pick up our toys. And of course we didn't pick up all our toys. I was like six and she's four, you know? And so for every toy that he had to pick up, we got slammed against the concrete wall in the basement. And I remember my sister and I, it was just like a fucking, revolving door. He'd pick something up and slam one of us against the wall, pick another thing up, slam the other one against the wall, and then it was the next one's turn. And we were crying and snotty and it was just, it was awful. And then everything that he did pick up got put in a trash bag and thrown away. It wasn't hidden for later, it straight up got thrown away. And from that, I developed. A weird, it's, it's like a dichotomy of hyper attachment to things while also being willing to just throw them away, get rid of stuff. And this happened when I moved from Michigan to here. And that was only what, three years ago, I threw away a bunch of shit. I'm like, I don't need this. I don't need this. I got rid of so much stuff that I am so sad about now. Um, and so that was, that was really hard. So that's something that has lasted in my own trauma throughout the years. And so The physical abuse happened until we moved into Boulder. In this little trailer park off of 55th and Valmont and I loved it. I loved it. I loved it because there's this little like creek thing on the east side and we'd go play in there and there was these big like packed dunes on the back side that's a prison now but we used to ride our bicycles. It was freaking fabulous. So that was around the age of seven. And at the age of seven, the physical abuse stopped and it turned into sexual abuse. And this was around the same age, I want to say it was probably around eight, where alcohol was also introduced to me. He bought my sister and I, uh, what's the small, the small guy?
Sandi:Oh, it's like the little pint?
Candy:Yes.
Sandi:Pints, yeah.
Candy:Of peppermint schnapps.
Sandi:Oh, God. of all the things you could give to a young kid.
Candy:And I used to drink caps full of it here and there. I have such a vivid memory of that first night he came into the room. It was of course in the middle of the night. It's dark. There's this figure that's supposed to be loving and protective. Well, I mean, he wasn't loving, but still, you know, I had that
Sandi:That's the expectation.
Candy:Yes. Yes. Childhood expectation that this parental figure, uh, that's supposed to be taking care of me has now asked to perform certain sexual things. And I had had the word no beaten out of me years prior.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:So he scared me. I didn't, I, I couldn't say no. I was not able to.
Sandi:And just to clarify, as the clinician, as the co host, as the friend, that is part of a larger grooming process, that sometimes adults, they, they sort of want to be like, well, you know, it's the kid's fault. I mean, how many times right now do we see sexual abuse survivors being blamed for their sexual abuse and saying, why didn't you report? Why didn't you say something? You were a child. Yeah. You had not developed those bones yet.
Candy:No, not at all. And I was a people pleaser from a little kid. I cared about people like that is something that I was born with, you know? And so this person is asking something of me, well, shit, I guess I do it even though it feels so wrong. And so that quickly, evolved into the worst years of my life. As a result of that, I got special treatment. I got special gifts or bribes as I like to call them. And it isolated me from my mom and my sister. They started to hate me because I was getting special treatment. my mom used to call me queen Sheba and I fucking hated that so much. Oh, it gets me choked up thinking about it. It was like not fair because I was being punished doubly. It felt like for something that I didn't have control over. And then my other parental figure, was not caring for me in the way that I needed. And so it just furthered this chasm between us and as things go. And also during this time my sister and I had to witness him beating the shit out of her. And We had the cops called once and I remember coming out of the bedroom and he's on top of her and holding her arms down and she's telling me to call the cops and he's looking at me telling me to do not call the cops and I didn't. I didn't.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:The neighbors did.
Sandi:Wow.
Candy:Yeah.
Sandi:Did your, can I ask a question?
Candy:Yeah, go for it.
Sandi:Did your mom know what he was doing?
Candy:No, she had her own issues that she was dealing with and on top of what was already there from her own problems from childhood.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:I don't want to get too personal.
Sandi:I get it.
Candy:He beat the rest of who she was out of her basically, like completely changed her. She had a mental breakdown as a result of his abuse and everything going on. So she wasn't in a position mentally, emotionally to do much about it. Um, they did end up divorcing and separating and During that time it was decided that I would go with him
Sandi:Jesus Christ
Candy:Yes And I don't understand it now and it's okay I don't have to understand it it is what happened I get different stories because I have talked to him about it and I have talked to my mom about it and they both give me different answers. So I'm like, okay, well, the truth is somewhere in the middle.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:And so, uh, yeah, I moved in with my abuser full time. And the abuse got way worse because there was nobody, we didn't have to worry about somebody coming home, being interrupted. Nighttime was the worst time for me. Nighttime I still struggle with is not a safe time of the day for me. It is when the worst moments of my life happened to me. And for the longest time. And still I struggle with being in the dark.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:I get, Oh, that, that reptile brain is like, this is dangerous.
Sandi:Right. Something bad could really happen. Cause it did.
Candy:It did over and over. Like we're talking almost every night. And I didn't get to sleep alone. I would ask my friends, My sister my cousins. Do you want to spend the night? I would beg people to spend the night because then I knew I would be safe But even at that I remember there were times where he had this foam mattress He'd put in the closet in my room and they had to sleep in there with the door shut So that he could still come in that was my life for a couple of years that I lived with him and I was able to find reprieve now and then cause he worked a lot and even on the weekends. So I would have the place to myself. I would go ride my bicycle. I'd roller skate, I would swim. We talked about that a little bit in previous episodes and found my happy place wherever I could get it. Because life was just,, I didn't want to exist, you know? And when I was 11, almost 12, I was in sixth grade up in the mountains with, uh, the two sixth grade classes. And we were saying goodbye for graduating, moving on to seventh grade. And we all got on the bus and this bus was going down the mountain and unbeknownst to us, the bus driver had driven up with the e brake on. She also didn't know how to drive in the mountains. And so the brakes were hot and, they gave out going down the mountain. and it was, it was, uh, we can talk about that in detail some other time. We ended up going over the side of the mountain, landing like 10 feet from the St. Vrain River up over in Lyons. I was sitting in the second seat from the front. The kid in front of me flew out the window and he died instantly. And for the longest time, I wondered why I couldn't have because he had a great life at home. He was a sweet kid. I had a shit life. So I survived this bus accident only to go back home to this asshole that was sexually abusing me. And so that started a major, Convergence of traumas that became so intertwined that when I started to dissect them, it caused a lot of huge issues that we'll talk about a little bit further in this podcast. So, during all this time that this was happening, the abuse, and then especially after the bus accident, I had been feeling like I was alone. I didn't know anybody going through this kind of shit. I didn't know how to talk to anybody about it. I just felt other. and tried to keep to myself while also enjoying school because that was my safe space.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:I learned how to learn and that was what I became good at is being a nerd and I embrace the hell out of that shit.
Sandi:Do it, do it.
Candy:So it was, it was so hard. Because I didn't realize this until much later in life, but he had been grooming me to be his future wife. When I was in sixth grade, I remember he bought me a gold and diamond ring that I wore on my left ring finger. And then when I graduated sixth grade, he bought me an even nicer one and I would get in trouble. I remember one time I was playing around with makeup as you do in seventh grade. I love makeup so much.
Sandi:Totally normative.
Candy:And I'd worn it to school and I remember him asking me, it's like, are you, why are you wearing makeup? Are you wearing that for somebody? I got in trouble for wearing makeup to school because he thought I was Trying to attract some other kid. I'm like, no, I just this is fun. It's this is a my face is a blank palette And I get a play with it. That's it.
Sandi:It's another form of expression,
Candy:right?
Sandi:Yeah,
Candy:and that was squashed
Sandi:was was he was he jealous?
Candy:Oh, yes Very insecure jealous person.
Sandi:Yeah,
Candy:honestly like looking back at his behavior. And knowing his past. I know that he was also stuck, um, emotionally in a very young age. He was very emotionally immature.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:Uh, so a lot's where a lot of that stemmed from. Um, he would keep track of how much I ate and what I ate. And that resulted in a eating disorder of overeating and overeating sugar. I became addicted to sugar because, well, if I can't have sugar when you're around, I'm going to have it when you're not, and I'm going to have as much as I fucking can. And I still struggle to that, struggle with that to this day. Um, so when I was a year later after this bus accident, my mom's third husband, a man I would consider my father, decided that we all needed to be, I needed to come back home and we decided that we were going to move from Boulder. There's just too much shit happening. Let's move. We moved to Arvada and That was a culture shock for me Different Environment, but it was cool because I I like new things, right? So I found my group of kids that that I got along with you know And I feel the need to not necessarily go back, but in, in all this stuff that happened and in finding this group of kids, I like, I wanted to be accepted so badly that I started teaching myself to get along with anybody that came my way. That's when I started building these different masks for any situation so that I could fit in with anybody. and became a chameleon.
Sandi:Yep.
Candy:And I've heard so many people talk about doing this.
Sandi:That's what we do.
Candy:Right. I mean, it is, it's a fascinating skill and it's a survival skill.
Sandi:Yep. If you blend in, nobody will pick on you.
Candy:Right.
Sandi:You will not be othered.
Candy:Right. I was anyway, cause I was too fucking weird, but that's okay. Uh, so I started smoking cause they were smoking. I had dabbled with it around the age, starting around the age of 10 as a way to kind of reclaim my bodily autonomy. Like you can't tell me what to do. I'm going to smoke your cigarettes.
Sandi:Yep.
Candy:It sounds so dumb.
Sandi:So smart. So smart in retrospect. Right? Yeah. Yep.
Candy:Yep. And so, because some of them were smoking, I'm like, well, this is, I'm going to be cool and I'm going to smoke too. So I started smoking cigarettes more and then I met who would become my oldest daughter's father. I had a huge crush on him. Huge, huge, huge. We tried dating in junior high and it just, it didn't work out. Right? Right? Right. Well. We got together in my junior year of high school. We're fast forwarding.
Sandi:Yeah, sure. There wasn't
Candy:really anything overly, like, this is a semi peaceful moment of my life from when we moved, moved from Boulder.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:Until 11th grade.
Sandi:I think it's interesting to point out that during this time, when I look at that sort of clinically and, and being a trauma therapist, I'm, I'm so interested in what we do with things when they're not conscious to us. And so this whole time, if I think in a perfect world of like how we would handle something like this right now in 2024, we would have that kid in therapy from the bus accident alone, not to mention all of the other shit that you were, that was done to you and how you were victimized by the people that were supposed to care for you the most. Those things should not be acceptable in our society. Okay. yet. We have some people in the world sort of clamoring to like, support child brides and women being, you know, mothers at 13 and 14 years old. We are not developmentally prepared to do those things at this age. And it just, the, the, the time period has a lot to do with it. Yeah. And, and even though, I mean, you're sharing your story today, but I'm sitting over here going, God, what the fuck?
Candy:Mm hmm.
Sandi:Where were these adults and how did they just you know, it goes back to that Why can't they just yeah, why couldn't they have just seen
Candy:right? So we didn't actually get any kind of counseling after the bus accident.
Sandi:Oh, I'm not surprised That was
Candy:like a huge fucking rub some dirt on it and walk it off,
Sandi:right?
Candy:I'm not gonna say that they didn't offer it, but I don't remember there being You You know, I think our, our teachers addressed it as best as they could. Sure. But how the, how the fuck do you address that? Like, they're not trained to address that kind of thing. There wasn't like mass counseling or anything like that offered. Right. And I hadn't told my mom about what was going on. So I had all this stuff and we talked about this in previous episodes. I'm like, Oh, okay. The physical abuse got wrapped up in a cute little pretty package so that it wasn't ugly looking and put it on the shelf. The sexual abuse that got put in a Big package because there's a lot and put on a shelf and the bus accident that got buried I took that in the fucking backyard and tried to bury that shit And it it came back with a vengeance later on so yeah, I tried therapy at 14 at 14 I finally told my mom what happened She actually asked me and I was just waking up and I've got no, I'm in general a pretty honest person and so the truth just came out and, he was prosecuted. He got a whole 90 days in jail and 10 years probation.
Sandi:90 fucking days in jail for raping a child.
Candy:Yep. Yep. And the system is still. very underwhelming in its punishment of offenders. So, and then we tried therapy and this fucking therapist decided that way too soon, I was barely, I wasn't even, I can't even tell you how soon it was. It was way too soon, decided that I needed to have a talk with my abuser, with her in the room.
Sandi:Oh, my God.
Candy:He was brought in and I, oh, my God. I remember exactly how I felt it was isolating again. It was re traumatizing me all over again. Yeah, I do remember asking why he couldn't just be my dad.
Sandi:Oh, that's breaks my heart.
Candy:Yeah, and so it was it didn't work. I I'm like fuck therapy.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:I I'm just I'm just gonna dive into studies.
Sandi:I just want to throw in a side in here. That is a clinical therapist. I've been in practice for 14 years. Forgiveness and facing off with your abuser is not something a therapist should ever force on you unless you say to them, I want to do that. We can ask and we can say, would that help with your healing? But if you didn't have any coping skills and you didn't have any distress tolerance and you did not have the stability emotionally that you needed to do to do that Of course that's retraumatizing and I just sit over here as the therapist in the room going, fuck, I, I hate these stories. I hate them so fucking much. Like the, and, and again, this, how many years ago are we talking now?
Candy:32,
Sandi:32. Yeah. And think about how far we've grown as, as, as a culture and how, but, but the fact that, that, that happened to you is just so irresponsible. And I just, on behalf of all therapists, I think I can safely apologize for that's a fuck up.
Candy:Yes, it was.
Sandi:That's a do not do that
Candy:very much. So I just kind of, I don't know, floated along for a couple of years until I met, my oldest kiddo's dad and we ended up getting pregnant.
Sandi:Of course you did.
Candy:Yeah. Right.
Sandi:I mean that I'm flipping over here. Like, of course you did. Like that's part of the trauma story, right? It's just so common. Yep.
Candy:So that in and of itself was very traumatic. It was unexpected. It was tough, but there was no way I wasn't going to have her. So ended up having her. Me and her dad did not work out, Actually, as a result, geez, I was able to graduate. My parents helped take care of her, when she wasn't with her dad or his parents. And because of all this trauma and the emotional stunting that happened as a result, I was never stable. I didn't have a stable place to live. I had gotten kicked out and I was couch surfing, so I didn't have a stable household like he did.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:So he got physical custody and I was like a weekend mom. And that was, that was really hard to reconcile and there, Oh, I think about it and I'm like, if only, if only, you know, but what can you do? I can't change any of it now. So couple, let in 19, let's see, I graduated at 17 19. I met my first husband. We got married. That didn't last. We had my, our second, my second kiddo, uh, my youngest and. I think two years into the marriage, it fell apart. Two years seems to be my, my thing.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:And I'm sure there are a number of reasons for that.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:One, not knowing somebody well enough and just jumping into shit, you know, doing the relationship escalator. So then on to hubby number two, who was a high school sweetheart. He's the one that I didn't choose and I chose my kiddo's father instead, but I'd always had feelings for him. We finally got together. We hooked up and decided that we wanted to be in a relationship. Well, he was into smoking weed and I had kind of been away from it for a while doing it here and there and I decided that I wanted to fit in as I always do and I'm like when in Rome so I started smoking weed again and that marriage, oh goodness. That man was a love of my life, and will always be so, and is also a person that I could never, ever have a relationship with. We brought the worst out in each other.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:And so that, that blew up, fell apart. I had an engagement after that, and then Hubby number three. Hubby number three was what I had been trained for. What I had been groomed for. And this is the embarrassment of my life. I can feel my face growing redder as I speak. Hubby number three was my childhood abuser. He had contacted me. uh, through my sister wanting to apologize and reconcile everything that he had done. And I'm like, I thought on it for a minute, but there was that freaking part inside of me that had fallen in love with him as a child and looked up to him as, a caretaker of sorts and friend. And I'm like, Oh my God. And I was fucking excited about it.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:Forget all the abuse that happened. I was excited that, that he. Was back in my life. Oh my God.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:It's so
Sandi:I know.
Candy:Embarrassing and shameful.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:To talk about that. That
Sandi:I know
Candy:like clinically and in my head, I know that I should not be ashamed.
Sandi:Right.
Candy:Or embarrassed. and yet
Sandi:it's still there.
Candy:Yeah. And yet and so I developed, I figured in my infinite wisdom that I could have a relationship with this man on my terms not taking into account the fact that he had freaking trained me to be his wife. We got married and for the first year it was fucking sunshine and rainbows. And those boxes that I had put on the shelf were starting to leak. The paper was corroding. The grossness was leaking out of the corners of those boxes. And I did my best to ignore those. And a year after having been married, He started becoming verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and I started feeling like an asshole. I'm like, Oh my God, the reality of what I had done hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:What did I do?
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:It got worse and worse with him. He was very insecure, very jealous. He would give me shit for wanting to go to coffee with a male friend. He's like, well, people don't do that. I'm like, what? Yes, I have coffee with my friends and some of them are male. You know, and being on the rainbow, how do you feel about me having coffee with women? Like, it would be the same for me.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:So. He just started getting really shitty. He would read some of my stories and ask me if this had happened in real life And I'm like, dude, fuck you. First of all for reading my shit and second of all It's none of your fucking business.
Sandi:Yeah, so just really quickly. I mean what I'm sitting here reflecting on is I'm like I couldn't track the age difference at this time. How old are you and how old is he?
Candy:So I would have been Let's see, 34.
Sandi:Okay.
Candy:34.
Sandi:And he was?
Candy:20 years older than me.
Sandi:Okay. So even though you were 34, You were not developmentally,
Candy:no.
Sandi:34.
Candy:Not at all.
Sandi:When you were back together with him. No, no. When you made this connection,
Candy:I was fucking, you were 11 years old.
Sandi:You were, yeah. You were a baby all over again.
Candy:Mm-Hmm.
Sandi:And that's what happens. So when people, if, if anybody's sitting in the audience right now listening, why would you do such a thing? Why would you challenge that? Again, that is the grooming piece.
Candy:Mm-Hmm.
Sandi:And you fell right back into the developmental place where you were when it happened.
Candy:I did. Like, lock, stock, and barrel. Boom. I found myself right back there. And it was a weird climb. I, I didn't even fully climb out, but I could, I emotionally and mentally, I was trying to climb my way out of that pit of being a little girl again around him. And I'm like, I'm a fucking independent woman. Like, but I, I kept falling back into that category of being a little girl again. So things got worse and worse and I remember we were arguing about something and What happened was, we were laying in bed and the tension was just way too much. I said, I'm going to go sleep on the couch. I can't deal with the tension right now. And this was in February and it was cold. We had had an argument over the heat. So I hadn't been working and he decided that he was going to support me while I wrote. And we'd had a fight earlier that because he was the one working, he had control over the temperature of the household because he paid the bills. So, it was cold in the living room and, and the couch was up against the, the window. And I, as I walked past the thermostat, I pretended to cough a couple of times to turn up the heat so that he wouldn't fucking hear the little clicks. And I lay down. and I'm trying to be warm and he comes storming out of the fucking room and he's like, he's like, what did I fucking tell you about the temperature or the thermostat? And he starts turning it way down. Like I turned it up two clicks and he's like doing it like six, seven, 10 times. Now it's 42 degrees and I got fucking pissed and I'm like, dude, it's fucking cold in here. I don't want to freeze my ass off. I'd like to get some sleep. And I went to go Turn it back up and he grabbed my hands. He grabbed my fingers and he squeezed them so tight. He's a machinist, so he had really strong hands.
Sandi:Yeah
Candy:he twisted them and it fucking hurt and it shocked the shit out of me. Like, I could take all sorts of emotional and mental abuse, but fucking, like, having somebody
Sandi:Don't put your fucking hands on me.
Candy:Right. And at the same time, he tore the face of it off the wall. So that I couldn't adjust the temperature. I, oh my God, it was, it was, my body was flooded with adrenaline and I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. I went and laid back down. And I cried a little bit, but I also started devising a plan on getting out because no, like something switched in my brain. That's like, Oh, danger. You need to get the fuck out of here. And so I was able to sleep a little bit when I woke up, it was like 42 degrees in the place. And I got up and started gathering all the important stuff that I needed. He tried to take, he took my keys. I don't even remember how I got them back from him. And I managed to fucking leave the house. Went to the, went, I met a friend. Oh, he was so, I'm so grateful for this. He went with me to the police station. Filed a police report. Got a TRO. And, because the trailer was in my name. He was not allowed to go back. So that night I filled his fucking car as full as I could with all of his shit. Done.
Sandi:Nice.
Candy:You are the fuck out of my life.
Sandi:Nice.
Candy:The day after that, I filed for divorce. And it was a small step for me in taking back myself and growth., that was my third marriage. And for a couple of years after that, I, I ended up selling the trailer, the fucking motorcycle, the bicycle, everything that he had given me, still bribes, I sold, got rid of. I don't even think I sold them. I'm like, just get this out of my life. I don't want to have anything to do with him ever, ever, ever. And so I moved in with a couple of friends, uh, still in Boulder. And it was, uh, I think I lived with them for two years. and it was like some of the best two years of my life. We played D& D every freaking Thursday. It can't get better than that. So, really good way to, like, resolve stress, by the way. D& D has saved me on more than one occasion in my life. And so I was doing good working at the animal clinic, met hubby number four, and the whole relationship escalator thing kicked in, moved in with him, like, made everything revolving around him my life, uh, And things, I mean, I was, you know, NRE, New Relationship Energy, things were freaking awesome, I was on cloud nine in 2018 started dealing with a lot of pain and I finally went, I was able to get to see a doctor in late August and found out that I had a lesion on my cervix and that turned into more tests, which are traumatic in and of themselves. Oh yeah. Oh my god, we should be knocked out for that shit.
Sandi:I know.
Candy:By October 25th, I found out that I had stage one cells on my cervix and, and that's, that was cancer. Oh, cool life. Thanks a lot. I have to deal with all this stuff. I kind of feel like I'm starting to gain some traction and you give me cancer, fuck you is how I felt. And I sank so deep into myself that, I mean, it took years, it took years to, to dig myself out of that hole. Um, I got on antidepressants, anti anxiety meds. I had to get on blood pressure meds. Um, December of that year, I had a radical hysterectomy. They melon balled everything out of me, got clean margins. Um. Oh.
Sandi:So fucking painful.
Candy:It is because it's not, it is an invasive surgery.
Sandi:I know.
Candy:And it was the second one that I've had from navel to The top of my pubis that I had to be cut open. Yeah, I totally missed, skipped over that in frickin high school when I was pregnant with my daughter. I had to have surgery to remove a cyst or she wouldn't survive.
Sandi:Oh, wow. More trauma.
Candy:Yeah. And I had to be awake for it because I was pregnant. So yeah, there's so much that I just missed. We were talking about this earlier. Yeah. There's so much trauma that I forget that I experienced this. Yeah, I totally didn't talk about the fucking therapist that crossed that line with me when I was trying to save my first marriage. I went to therapy and, um, he was extremely inappropriate with me. Oh, piece of shit. Um, So anyway, Cancer went through all that. Early 2019, the hubby and I decided that we were going to move to Michigan. We just chang of scenery, his kiddo is living there, and, uh, his ex wife who he's friends with and another friend of his. And I'm like, cool, I'm moving away from everybody and everything that I know. I'm going to need a lot of support from you. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sure. I've got you. It's fine. You know, we're good. And, so we moved there in May of 2019 and I started going to therapy. I wanted to deal with a bus accident trauma and the therapist decided that EMDR would be the way to go.
Sandi:Oh shit.
Candy:Yeah, I'm sure you've heard this story too. Um, I didn't have the skills to deal with the complexity of Traumas that came up as a result of trying EMDR and as a result of that I tried to kill myself in December
Sandi:Yeah
Candy:of 2019
Sandi:I am so sorry. And again, we don't do interventions like this until we're stable, until we have emotional regulation skills, until we have safety in our body, safety in our mind, safety in our spirit, enough to approach the big ugly. And one of the things that I often talk about with clients, and I have sort of known with them myself, is that oftentimes if clinicians have not faced their own adversity. They, and they follow the rule books, and I'm not saying all, and I'm not naming any specific person, but I just have heard these things over and over, where there's an entire preparation stage that we need to do for EMDR. I'm not a practitioner of EMDR, but I know people who do, and I know what the trainings look like, and I know people who have done it, and I have had multiple people say, I just wasn't ready for this intervention. It was too much too fast. Yes. And trauma work often needs to be slow and prodding, and we just deal with what continues to come up.
Candy:Yes, it's like getting hit with a fucking freight train.
Sandi:Yeah
Candy:is what it What it did
Sandi:Yeah,
Candy:and it it brought to light like, you know as a result of all these traumas that happened I developed different facets to my personality that learned how to deal with all these different parts of trauma, right?
Sandi:Yeah,
Candy:and any given situation that kind of resembled those traumas, right? I wasn't prepared for the I say 12 years old. I was close enough to 12. I wasn't prepared for the 12 year old that got trapped in that little bubble of trauma and stopped, stopped developing 100 percent and withdrew. You know, the, the part of me that I fucking tried to bury so deep that I could never, that I couldn't dig my way out. The 12 year old me couldn't dig my way out.
Sandi:Cause you buried her in the yard. Right.
Candy:And also the seven year old.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:And they were, they were like intertwined. Yes. And so I had a moment I'd had a fight with hubby number four and I was I was sinking fast like within hours I was sinking emotionally mentally just into this deep deep depression and dark place and I ended up dissociating and I took a handful of pills.
Sandi:Okay,
Candy:and. Thank the fucking universe and all the gods, whatever for my bladder because I woke up in the basement. I had, I took them, I had taken a picture before I dissociated and took them. I took a picture of what I took in case it didn't work and they needed to know what I took. way my brain works.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:Um, and so I don't even remember the act of swallowing them. Okay. I just completely blacked out. But then I woke up, I had to pee. So I'm, I get out of the armchair, I try to walk upstairs and I stumble And then the reality of what I did hit me. I'm all, Oh shit, I'm going to die if I don't get to the hospital.
Sandi:It's a tender thing.
Candy:It is.
Sandi:Yeah. Because you so want to be here now.
Candy:I do. I do. I'm so grateful for, honestly, it sounds weird, but I'm grateful for everything that happened up to this point. Yeah. Because I'm happy to be here.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:My life is fucking amazing. I get to do this podcast with another amazing soul, share my story so other people won't feel alone. This is like my life's passion and I'm getting to do it right now.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:But I wouldn't if none of this shit happened.
Sandi:I know.
Candy:Oh, I didn't want to get emotional talking,
Sandi:but that's real, but that's real shit though. That's real shit. And we got to breathe through it. And we got to know that these are normative responses for us. There's nothing wrong with us that we will continue to have reactions to the, the things that we've had happen to us, because like you just said, it, it really makes, it makes us who we've become.
Candy:Yes. And I am, I think I'm pretty fucking amazing.
Sandi:Yeah, you're fucking awesome.
Candy:So, um, he drives me to the, I, I woke him up and I'm like, I took some pills. I need to go to the hospital. And he took me there. I don't even remember the drive I was passing in and out of consciousness.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:He told me I stopped breathing three times. They had to give me Narcan.
Sandi:Oh God.
Candy:Yeah, they had to give me Narcan three times
Sandi:That's a spirit that wants to live right there?
Candy:Holy shit. But you know what? This is gonna sound really weird. This is a little digression I didn't have like a near death, anything.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:It was just dark. I don't, it's just a blank.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:For me.
Sandi:Sure.
Candy:I'm like, God damn it. There was no bright light and no fucking unicorns or anything. Come on.
Sandi:You deserve a fucking rainbow and a unicorn. At least.
Candy:At the very least. Okay. Like throw me a bone universe.
Sandi:Right. Right.
Candy:So anyway, I ended up, um, going to a hospital for five. Five or six days. They tried to put me on. They put me on Seroquel, Prazocin. I was a zombie.
Sandi:Yeah. All the sedation.
Candy:Mm hmm.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:And though it was good, it was good for me. I needed to get away from everything and be shocked in a new fucking environment. And we started a group therapy and that's where I learned about DBT therapy, which saved my life.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:It has saved my life over and over again.
Sandi:As it does.
Candy:And so I started my journey, um, for the next two years of DBT therapy. I did it twice. I did two rounds. I'm like, I need this shit to stick.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:Let's do it. My inner nerd was working fucking hard. You should see my DBT workbook.
Sandi:I can imagine you're sitting, she's sitting here with a notebook in front of her with, you know, amends letters and all this other stuff. I mean, this girl has worked hard at this stuff.
Candy:I have, I have, I'm like, I, there has to be a way out. There's like this part of me that just it's the survivor part of me. Like there has to be a way out of this. I will figure out how. And I did. And it was a combination of dbt therapy. microdosing and gardening.
Sandi:Yeah. Digging the dirt.
Candy:Yes.
Sandi:Digging in the dirt. It's such a good metaphor.
Candy:Being out with nature and practicing mindful skills, mindfulness skills. Now, disclaimer here, at the time I was still smoking weed, um, drinking every so often, especially if I would go out dancing, but I was still smoking weed all the time. My agreement with my therapist was I would not smoke three hours before or after. I made it an hour.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:So I was learning the skills, but I wasn't practicing practicing. I was still working on trying to rewire my brain and dealing with some of my traumatic stuff, especially around the bus accident while microdosing and gardening at the same time and doing the therapy. Uh, but it was like just a half assed job. And it wasn't until my marriage failed. Number four, shocker considering where my brain was at and how I'd grown up.
Sandi:Right.
Candy:Had to move back to Colorado cause I needed to be around my people I had to be around my community, my family, my friends. I was so lonely. COVID had been around for a couple of years and I just, I could feel myself sinking again. So I moved back. At the time I was also dating my girlfriend. And because practicing polyamory at the time. And so we moved out together, uh, into the mountains with a friend. And things started to devolve with her and I tried so hard to hold on to that relationship. I'm like, God, you're like, we were like sympatico, you know, we had trauma bonded.
Sandi:Oh,
Candy:and we had bonded over weed and she wasn't wanting to smoke as much anymore. So I found myself smoking by myself. And I'm like, fuck, I don't want to smoke by myself. I'm, this is a social activity for me or pain relief. And so, you know, I was, I found myself sitting in my car alone. And I tell this story a lot, especially in my AA group, sitting alone in my car with, my bong in one hand wondering what the fuck am I doing with myself? I am having to start over again from nothing. I don't have a job. I'm on disability You know, but I I'm I don't have a relationship. I don't have my own place anymore I don't have a job. What am I doing? So I realized that smoking weed and was affecting my life too much. I'm like, this is one thing that I can give up begrudgingly. And so I elected to stop smoking weed. And what happened was I found myself wanting to drink. So I realized I had to stop smoking and stop drinking.
Sandi:Ah, giving up the friends.
Candy:Yup. And my, I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend, decided that she wasn't a great friend for me, ended the relationship and friendship. She moved back to Michigan and I started working on myself with 12 step programs. Um, it was slow going at first, but I wanted to get better and I knew that it had worked for a bunch of people. So I'm like, just keep going, just keep going. Well, a friend of mine, we were going to have breakfast. He invited me to go to his group in the morning and I'm like, sure, I guess. And so that's how I met my home group and they have been a huge part of why I'm still here. Like they've become a safety net for me when things are tough, and I'm wanting to smoke weed again or drink, you know, I can call any one of like 50 people and they'll be able to help support me through that. And so in doing my 12 steps and, realizing where my, they call them character defects. I'm not a huge fan of calling them defects. I'm like, they're my missteps. I've been able to see where I have had an impact on my relationships and what I needed to work on. So I spent the past two years working on myself to be a better person so I can have better interpersonal relationships and communication skills.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:And. I've become a fucking goddess in the process.
Sandi:I was just going to say, I spent my first several years counseling. That's, that's where I sort of learned my chops was in the addiction field, and working with felons. And we'll talk about that more when we talk about Sandy's side of the story of things. But, um, I mean, recovery is this place where like magical fucking things happen.
Candy:Yes, for reals. Magic does happen in those rooms. Yeah, I have been witness to I am an example of it.
Sandi:Yeah, you sure fucking are
Candy:in three months. It's been I think.
Sandi:Yeah,
Candy:we met.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:And we're doing a podcast.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:We're doing the thing that I have wanted to do for years. And I've talked about, I've talked about writing. I've talked about doing art. I've talked about being on panels at local writing conventions. And in my sobriety, I have been able to do all those. Well, okay. I'm not published, but I'm working earnestly on the book and I've worked earnestly on my, my art. I've sold a piece of art, you know? I, I, I got the balls to frickin put myself out there and do the things that I want to do instead of just only talking about them. And it has been, oh my god, it has been, holy shit, a journey.
Sandi:I love it. I love, I love, her face right now is just like, I'm a fucking badass, and I love it, and it is so, like, it's, it's, it, to sit with you and, and watch you process through some of this, it's been a little, I mean, there's been tough moments here today, and I'm, I am very proud of you, and you have come on the other fucking side, and welcome to integrating pain.
Candy:Fuck, yes. Yes, I feel like, I feel like I'm this, this magical glowing being with scars, scrapes and bruises. and broken bones, but I am glowing brighter than I ever have in my whole fucking life. Like I fart glitter now.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:For reals, you know, because of all this, I have grown through everything and I'm still here. I'm still fucking standing. I want to end with this. I did something. I celebrated two years last saturday last week. I know, I'm so proud of myself. And I, I was struggling because I don't know how to celebrate. I'm like, well, you celebrate with by smoking a joint, silly. Like, well, I can't do that. We celebrate with a drink. No, we're not going to do that. So what I did was, um, decided I needed to drive because driving is like my
Sandi:therapy
Candy:thing and I had my cry. Um, talked to a friend on the phone for a little bit and I decided I'm going to drive to Boulder and I'm going to go up Flagstaff Drive. I think it's called Flagstaff. I don't know if it's Flagstaff Drive, Flagstaff Mount, I don't fucking know. Anyway, it's where they put the star up at Christmas.
Sandi:Oh, nice.
Candy:In Boulder.
Sandi:Nice.
Candy:So, I, because it was, it was late at night and I wanted to go park and look over the view of Boulder and its lights and thank the universe. And I did, and I stood there, and I thanked, I, like, the Care Bear. Mmm, you know, when they emit the energy out of their bellies? Oh, I did that with all of my being, and put my gratitude out there for everything that I've gone through, everything that I've worked on, and where I'm at, and for my future. Yeah. Because I've worked really fucking, oh, it's getting me emotional. Uh huh,
Sandi:I see it, I see it.
Candy:I've worked so hard to get where I'm at today, and my dreams are coming true. And so I thank the universe for that. And I got in my car cause I had to pee really bad and I drove back down the mountain. It was a very short trip, but I did it. I fricking did it and I couldn't be more grateful today for everything that's happened.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:You know, the bad with the good.
Sandi:Yeah. I just, I think it's incredibly moving that you did it at night.
Candy:Oh yes. In the dark,
Sandi:in the dark, in a scary place.
Candy:Yep.
Sandi:And now you're like, watch me shoot the rainbows up my belly.
Candy:Oh, and you know what else I did? I almost forgot. This is like the best part. And I was, Half crying and I'm looking out over Boulder and I said to it. I said you didn't break me.
Sandi:Ah,
Candy:I said you tried But you didn't break me and I'm here and I'm stronger for it.
Sandi:Yeah, you sure fucking are.
Candy:Oh, yes the end
Sandi:Yeah,
Candy:that's my story
Sandi:that's incredible, I'm, I'm really fortunate to be in your midst today as you share this, because as your co host and new friend and a therapist in the room, like I get to, I've heard bits and pieces of your story, but I haven't heard the whole thing from start to finish. And it's just such a testament to. I got to talk about this often with clients about like the the power of the human spirit
Candy:Mm hmm,
Sandi:and it's such a testament to that piece of you can try to break me. You can rape me. You can abuse me You can hurt me. You can squish my fingers. You can tell me I'm terrible and not worthy and then somehow We collect all that fucking garbage and then we learn from it and we learn better that that's not who I was That's who that person was right that had nothing to do with me. I just got in their way.
Candy:That's exactly it You Yeah. I like that perspective on it. So I couldn't help.
Sandi:Yeah, you couldn't help it. I mean, and, and, you know, it's, it's, it's heartbreaking to me because, I mean, I have my own story and we're going to get to that too, but there's a lot of our story that aligns of how we were basically set the fuck up by other people to be at their whim and beck and call when they needed to work on themselves. And I think you and I both have sort of had the discussion of like, we can try to have empathy for the people that harmed us, but I still even believe today that not everybody deserves the forgiveness, but if we can understand why these things happen to people and why people harm others in the way that you've just described, um, we can do better as a society. We can do better as a world.
Candy:Yes, I agree. And that did help me with my healing was recognizing that, uh, he was in a bad place himself.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:You know, not excusing it. No, not at all. No. But that recognition helped me to understand where he came from.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:And I was able to heal from that.
Sandi:Yeah. There's that adage that goes around that sounds so cliche, but it does mean the world. Hurt people often hurt people. Yes, they do. But if we can take our hurt and we can make something out of it and turn it into, you know, there's an analogy where the pot gets cracked and then we paste it together with the gold. It's a, I think it's a Japanese. Yes. I can't remember the name of it. It's, you know, my, my file cabinet, my brain doesn't work that well anymore. But that idea of we're just, we're better for it and we're more well rounded. And yes, we have cracks. And like you said, the bruises and the beautiful, but, but they're beautiful because we know that we look at that vase and we go, that has been through shit, but look at how lovely it still is. And look at it shine.
Candy:Yep. Mine's not gold. It's glitter. My cracks are filled with glitter.
Sandi:I love it. Well, Um, I think there's lessons from this that we probably won't review today, but I think maybe we can do, we'll definitely do a debrief here because Candy worked really hard today to share all of the things, um, and that was, um, one hell of an accomplishment.
Candy:I feel accomplished. And also, I want to thank everybody listening. I appreciate you sharing this space with me. and allowing me to be vulnerable.
Sandi:Yeah.
Candy:I'm glad you're here. Thank you.
Sandi:Well, thanks for being with us today. This was, um, moving. I've got some arm hair chills right now that we'll probably go and we'll talk more about these things, um, to debrief and make sure that Candy's getting taken care of. Um, and if you're finding yourself as the audience right now, feeling any sort of which way or feeling that your heartstrings have tugged, been tugged at, totally normal, totally appreciated. And we just thank you for being here, but take care of yourselves as well.
Candy:Thank you.